Shakeela and Literacy ; From Garam Garam Rotis to Vadapav along with Sambarvada

It is almost TATA time to Delhi and I no longer will be hard pushed explaining Madras isn't a state covering entire South India and Kojjikode(Not Calicut) where the REC and IIM exist is in India and yes actually a state called Kerala{m}( no not Karel) {y}exists to all the people who ask me where do I belong to after hearing my cute-y Hindi?.

Hindi was always a language of such complexity back in Kerala and Tamilnadu that many could not master it even after seven years of learning in School and College. The state of Hindi has been like the form of Virendar Shewag that got effaced just before the world cup . With all due respect to the national language many South Indians can't even count in Hindi after twenty five and many of them could be seen negotiating hardly with autowallahs in Delhi for a higher amount than what autowallah had asked for , to roam in Dilli Galis .Author has a special affinity to Hindi because this seems to be the only language in the world where a certain "S**le" word can be used in an affectionate and hostile manner .

The first dose of Hindi was in Doordarshan days through the sentence"Rukhavat ke Liye Khed hein"(Loosely translated after some time in the same screen in English as Sorry for the interruption along with color bars) which was the most common Hindi sentence when only one channel existed in India. Can you belive that the entire India ate , drank and slept Doordarshan when Kris Srikanth had hair and proper eyesight like this when he won the worldcup?.

P S: Any idea who is the guy behind Srikanth , doesnt he look like Ravi Shastri's young son?

These days so many channels exist and the so much {exclusive}news is created that the old half an hour slot in Doordarshan has been replaced by 24 hour news channles and even Kris Srikanth has less hair and needs lenses to open for India in middle age , but the state of Hindi is still maintaining a status quo like the standard of programmes in Doordarshan. Simply ,the standard has the same quality.

Hindi was such a nice language way back in school ,simply because no body listened to what was being taught as there was no compulsory public exam in Hindi in Class X CBSE as there was a choice between mother tongue and Hindi.Eventhough learning Hindi seemed managable those days , speaking and understanding was as hard as learning calculus in Class IX. Author was almost expelled from school when a commotion broke out in the School assembly when he was the School captain and North Indian Students and South Indian students reacted differenly to a command given in the school assembly.The reason for the near explusion apparently was that few North Indian students who could understand Hindi were found facing the south Indian students when the command to turn to a specific side was given.

What a service would have been delivered to the state of Indian national language if all those Mallus had come to North India instead of going to Gulf or America? . To realize the holes and bigger pot holes like roads in Bangalore of Hamari Rashtrabhasha in south Indian states , somebody have to stay in North India .

Now I am talking about some of southies who were among the best of brains in India studying at a Top B School in India , who could formulate strategies in seconds to rescue India Inc.(few of them in fact worked on TATA Corus deal), asks all those wise and intelligent English questions regularly in NDTV/CNN- IBN shows on any matter pertaining to India , politics , business or sports when questions have some south Indian accent and are in English.

Mallus still can sustain but Tams are in a totally hopeless situation (This part is sponsered by the the dravidian parties and anti-Hindi Struggle )

In the first month a Tamilian Classmate who had lot of work experience haggling with those burly annas who ride Chennai autos with a Rajnikant poster on one side went to buy something in the local market .The shopkeeper quoted a price which he could not understand...but he wanted that thing at Rs 40/- so he kept on saying Bhaaya sahi Price karo...not understanding what price he was quoting...:-)) . Poor shopkeeper who obviously was relieved to get a first consumer for some south indian lungis which had been waiting in shop ad infinitum, packed the stuff ,and my classmate kept on repeating sahi price karo and handled him indian currency worth forty bucks who was handled back five rupees promptly. That was a hard way to learn that Painthies means thirty five.However he has learnt lot of "shood" Hindi in the last two years and hopefully will impart the newly acquired knowledge to other pals from the state improving the status and state of Hindi as a whole in Tamil Nadu.

The same guy also has the credit of inventing the first nationally integrated Tamil Hindi swearword in our B School history"oth** @$#%% **le" . One day author and our plump Tam hero went to a fruit shop and was wondering which fruit to Purchase since both of us didnt even go near any fruitshops in Tamilnadu and Kerala.As you know necessity is the mother of invention and eating only parathas (Not Malabari Parottas) and rotis required extreme measures .We zeroed down on one fruit that looked like Guvava.Since the shopkeeper knew only Hindi we asked a well dressed gentleman who was standing near us "What is this?" . He looked at us twisted his nose and moustache like Kris Srikanth and replied "Don't you know. This is a FRUIT" in queens Oxford English. The author doesnt want to disclose the stars in "oth** @$#%% **le" since it can't be explained in public.


Well,sometimes people also forget that they may be conversing in different languages . In an evening class suddenly the light went out and Mallus being all that much inquisitive , my mallu friend asked "What is the problem? Kya Hua?" . The sardarji sitting next to him answered Patti. Mallu friend again asked "What did you say?" . Innocent Sardarji replied " Patti" . Hot news was that sardarji's nose got a treatment similar to the treatment given to a cricket ball by Dhoni's bat and he sweared not to speak to any mallu in Punjabi till the end of his life. Patti not only means dog in Malayalam but also some sort of electrical fitting inside the tubelight in some Punjabi dialect.Innocent Surd in fact replied that there was a problem with "Patti" inside the tube since he did not know the english for the electrical fitting . It was also equivalently hard in convincing the fellow Mallu that patti was said in Punjabi and not in Malayalam. Nehru and his " Unity in Diversity" concept would have been proud of the diversity that exists within the unity of this country.

Even cousins of Hindi language like Urdu cause enough trouble for South Indians in North India who prefer eating rotis with Sambar. A mallu who didnt know what is "Shabnam" almost saved the republic day parade on January 26,2004. Republic days are generally foggy days in national capital and the car of our hero collided with a Mahindra Scorpio that was being driven by another guy.The villian in Scorpio remarked to our hero that "Sab , Shabnam ke vache se huan". Our hero who thought that Shabnam(Relating it to Shabhana Azmi) was a beautiful girl looked in the front seat and the back seat but could not find any girl or beauty. Our Mallu hero argued with the scorpio villain for half an hour but everything was blamed on Shabnam .What an argument it was , you can very well imagine between a mallu who know sporadic Hindi and the guy who knew Urdu.Since our moustached hero could not make out what is Shabnam he cursed the villain and left the place obviously cross at missing the republic day parade that he had seen only through doordarshan every year.Apparently later investiagtions among Northie friends revealed that Shabnam is the Urdu/Persian word for fog and the Malayali hero immediately took the entire credit for avoiding a terrorist attack in the republic parade which in turn meant that the police and army who were guarding the parade ground could have done better if they had arrested the guys who knew the meaning of Shabnam in Urdu instead of guarding Delhi.

Mallus making gaffe with Hindi/Urdu is a known fact but it is equivalently entertaining to hear the {mis}conceptions about Mallu land from this part of the country.Author can swear on the no of hairs in the head of Indian defence minister A K Antony and the number of sun glasses owned by K Karunanidhi that the three common symbols of Malluland in north India are High Literacy , Film Actress Shakeela and Complex Strange Names. Mallus being literate are considered to be highly intelligent people who can think {ir}rationally on all relevent matters under this universe.Even Manirathnam thinks so. No wonder Shahrukh Khan seems to be from an intelligent mallu family in Dil Se and the collector who harasses Abhishek Bachan in Guru speaks Malayalam to a confused Abhishek on the screen . Author is sure that Abhishek would have had much lesser confusion on his face while proposing to Aishwarya Rai once he went through that experience with the Malayali collector in Guru.


National Literacy Mission defines literacy as acquiring skills of reading , writing and arithmetic and ability to apply them to one's day-to-day life. It means :self reliance in the 3Rs , becoming aware of the causes of deprivation and moving towards amelioration of their condition by participating in the process of development , acquring skills to improve their economic status and general well being , imbibing values of national integration , conserving of environment , womens equality and observance of small family norms.It is hard to convince North Indians that Mallus put a full stop before arithmetic in this definition , rubbed everything off and called the then Prime Minister V P Singh to Kozhikode (or Kojjikode in North Indian Lingo) in 1989 before anybody realised that Mallus have changed the definition and proclaimed themselves as 100% literate before any new literate person in Mallu land could forget counting till ten. Latest news is that Mizoram and Nagaland has found out how Mallus did it and they are also trying to do the same inspired by Mallu Chief Secretaries.


Shakeela(Not Mammootty and Mohnalal) became the symbol of Malluland through the persisitent efforts of Mallu Channels with and without strong political {under}connections. Mallus like me always had a huge respect for the Bong intelligensia . In my opinion Bengalis and Malayalis should in fact fight for Communism , Intellectual Cinema , Fish curry , Football , Bandhs , Gheraos , Strikes and how to propogate groups within State Congress Units . It was quite surprising that one day when one of the B School Classmates from St:xavier's College Kolkata shouted Shakeela loudly in the class and everyone in the sex with X and Y Chromosome turned their heads to see what was the matter . It underlined the severe suspicion of the author that Mallu Channels can tap potential of all India television market through Shakeela brand if they remove the guys with tenuous , thin and shady moustaches from pairing opposite to Shakeela in the Mallu films. The Consumer {mis}perception about tenuous , thin and shady moustaches was revealed in a marketing survey for the Marketing Research Project in the same class. Apparently once on a trip to Jharkhand to attend a marriage author could see Shakeela's huge Hindi thighs in a max shady Hindi film poster.

The Puzzle of strange mallu names has a cult status in North Indian Community and who ever solves it may get a grand prize from Central government according to the reliable sources in PMO and UN. (Click on the link dear reader, I put the trouble of putting it up) North Indian classmates and recruiters can't understand how Mallus can form names by replacing one letter in a name so easily like -

Bijo~Cijo~Dijo~Eijo~Fijo~Gijo~Hijo~Ijo~Jijo~Lijo~Majo~Nijo~Pijo~Rijo~Sijo~Tijo~Vijo~

or for that matter some complex names like

Outhakkutty~ Avarachan~ Pathrose~Ouseph~Thomachan~ or to that matter how they add a '-an' in the end

Narayanan ~Gopalakrishnan~Balakrishnan~Ramakrishnan~Chenthamarakshan~Muthupalaniappan , Sendhamizhkodhai Vanchinathan and so on or to that matter how they add family names like

Menachery ~ Cherpunkery ~ Puthanangady ~ Permunanchery ~ Pattaparambil ~ Puthenparambil ~ Mangalassery ~Kanjamala ~Elattuvalappil ~ Meleveettil


to the already confusing and tongue twisting names . The last two family names became quite famous after E Sreedharan became the chairman of Delhi Metro (DMRC) and M Damodaran became the shief of SEBI. It seems that central government is reconsidering the postings of all mallus in similar posts due to the tongue twisting compaints by employees in DMRC and SEBI.

Author suspects that Mallu names are too tongue twisting to the comfort of many North Indian friends and this was proved during the Pre Placement Interview when the recruiter in a reputed company asked his own help in calling out the name of one girl which was a '*jo' name and was pronounced as "*zo" after the author intervened from the side of guys much to his embarassment and amusement/entertainment of his classmates.However two years with author have improved the condition of some North Indians at least making sure that Thodupuzha , Alappuzha and Vazahappazham has regained the same status in Non-Mallu land as in Mallu land. Based on his experiences author would also like to advice that if any Mallu and his father has two strange Mallu names the space( ) should also be told while reciting the spelling since North Indian friends may faint deciphering two strange Mallu names which any way wont be prnonounced correctly.


It has always been a mystery way back in Kerala how those thin girls who doesn't seem to eat anything could dance so fast in Hindi films in snowy places wearing as little clothes as possible when foreigners stared at them like aliens . It has still remained an unanswered question because author is still trying to find the answer to the question when the same was tossed to one of the North Indian friends how those black moustache guys in South Indian films are so plump that they can't even lift their legs when they are hitting the villians or to that matter how Rajnikant can kill two people with one bullet in some Tamil films or can deliver those flying kicks on twenty goondas at one stretch , a feat unmatched even in {B}Hollywood .Some questions like this and why K Karunakaran is jumping between UDF and LDF or how comrade V S Achu became the third best chief minister in India or who is the asli father of Saif Ali Khan's character in Ekalavya better remain unanswered.


Mallus , Chinese food and cockroaches could be found anywhere in earth and general truths like Cockroaches float in water and Chinese food digests one hour after eating , Mallus always form a cartel wherever they go.The legend is that when Niel Armstrong landed in moon , he saw the Communist flag on the top of a Mallu Teashop . The original reason of the stay for two hours in Moon was not un-availability of oxygen , but the impending strike and a call for bandh by Mallu workers union in the tea shop making sure that Niel Armstrong wont get tea next morning in moon. This strike is in fact a trait of the fact that Mallus and Communists are afraid of foreigners and don't like the foreign invasion and this is precisely one of the reasons due to which Communist Party indundated with Mallus is not giving enough fresh air to Manmohan Singh in matters relating from FDI in retail to capital account convertibility.

Mallus have a cartel even in Delhi markets and all canteens and tea stalls are being run by Mallus who won't speak to other Mallus in Malayalam. Kerala the land created through axe is a place of curious juxtapositions - Highest Literacy and highest unemployment , Lowest Infant Mortality Rate and Highest Suicide rate and Keralites outside Kerala exhibit a curious juxtaposition , they know Malaylalam very well but does not speak it.

One day author used a special tactic( It was not a strategy , because then I was not an MBA) to the canteen guy in INA Market who was not ready to speak in Malayalam.

Canteenwallah: Woh! Kidhar Hein ?(About authors friend who made the order, ate mutton cutlete and escaped without payment)
Author: Ariyathilla (Means Don't Know in Malayalam)
Canteenwallah: Mene Poocha , Woh! Kidhar Hein
Author: Mene Kahan! Woh! Ivide Nahin hein

After which canteen guy became a friend and has been giving free sambar vadas to the author. Hence forth author also became a part of the Mallu Canteen Cartel in INA market ensuring a constant supply of free sambarvadas .

The legends which are written and stored in Papyrus Rolls in Delhi University Central library also has a story of a Mallu who studied here in St:Stephens College way back in 1960's . Even Mallus were not aware about the vast possibilities of student politics on those days which is a license in Kerala to attack anything and everything that work properly. St:Stephens College has reservation for Christians and many Mallus have been studying here since the inception of the college . One day a professor in the Class called our mallu friend 'Gaddhe Ki Aulad' in which Mallu only understood that Gaddhe which means Donkey and mallu students being all that militant and revolting and aware about student rights even then , he promptly replied . Sir , I think you are the donkey . Apparently aulad means son and the professor riposted back in such a way that Mallu caught the next train back to Kerala became a Zzimbly Mallu and joined his family newspaper there which later became one of the highest circulated newspapers in India simply by following the strategy of propogating the message how mallus are great?.He was so bad at Hindi that it is certianly a consoling fact that the paper was started in Malayalam.The paper in fact have a record of inventing a Mallu girl friend for Boris Becker .Incidentally even Becker didn't know such a girl existed . The paper thereby increased the revenue through German Tourists for Kerala Tourism when German media propagated the discovery of such a girl thereby ensuring sufficient visibility for God's own country in Germany.

It has been a hard time teaching in North India that 'Kerala is not Zimmbaly Kareal' and it is time for a change.

These days I am looking forward to learn Marathi along with Hindi in Western India .

Shifting to that city which is known for vada pav and packing people inside local trains like nuts inside a cashew nut tin .

TATA Delhi and Hello Mumbai .

Apun is looking forward to be an an Aamchi , Mumbaikar? .

Any help appreciated!!!!!!

If you reached till here you have a lot of "Sabr" , do share in comments if you have any "Unity in Diversity - Language experience" :)

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This is not a parochialist post from a frustrated South Indian in North India .All the characters in this post are real and would have appeared in an earlier post as well and since the author is making this post from Indira Gandhi International Airport and is leaving to Mumbai in next flight , hopefully he is safe.If no post appears next month , please pray to God to rest his soul in peace in the family cemetery in Kochi or some Christian cemetery in Bandra.