Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Washing away all sins in River Ganga

Very Little in life is completely new . Most things that we do are inspired by the "variations of a theme" that has already been experienced. Once the theme is mastered the monotony sets in and the excitement fades away.

The call came on Thursday evening , some months back.

Mr B:Hey , this is Mr B , whatz up?
Me : WHAT? (Did i hear the name right?)
Mr B :You #$@$#$#@$#$,
Me : Ok , Hey , Whatz up ? ( This guy is a gossip collector , why the hell is he calling me ?")
Mr B : So Hows Work?
Me: Blaaaaaah Blaaaaaaaaaaah
Mr B: So what are you doing these days ?"
Me:Nothing much , just doing the same thing that all the guys without girlfriends in Delhi do ?
Me:Me wondering what I am going to do this five day weekend?
Mr B: You were never interested in gals or gal frnds anyways . Still I remember **** and poor gal had a crush on you, u know (Why this guy is buttering me ?)
Me: Well , U know .I hate mishy mushy types and she is not of my type yaar.
Mr B : U were always an a***@$@#@$@# when it came to girl"ish" matters .Never mind , Aren't your parents pushing for marriage? ( I knew you would ask this , you bugger, you called me to collect gossips)
Me: Nopes, (Grins) .Me wondering why they are not pushing .Last time they set up meeting with a girl I almost slept off and gave them sound advice on how to set up meetings with potential daughters in law and leave me alone for some time to enjoy my solitude.( This guy is a gossip machine , five common friends are going to call me up quoting this).
Mr B:Hmmm , Any way you were never interested in girls that I introduced you ?
Me : Huh , They were so boring and you know mishy mushy blahhh blahhhh ( Gossip Monger)
Mr B : What abt a trip ?
Me : WHAT ?( I almost fell off from my chair)
Mr B : We will go for rafting Man .
Me : Rafting , but Why me yaar ? Why don't you go with your gal friend?
Mr B:Yaar, I had booked a ticket for my gal frnd before we broke up . Anyway if you are free we can go.
Me: Shucks , Your gal friend broke away and you are calling me . You think I am a gay or something , you #@$@$$%#$^^^$%&&^%^&%^
Mr B:No man , but what will I do with my tickets ? ( This guy was always stingy , no wonder gal friend broke up )
Me: Man , I am going for a film fest in India Habitat Centre this weekend , anyway thanks for the invite.

Don't know what he did with the invite but the rafting idea was kicked off that day and good he called me . The last three day weekend was just amazing , thanks to Mr B and one of the his numerous girl friends who broke up with him.

There was almost one week free time between Delhi Mumbai shift and I decided that it was time to complete the places that I haven’t visited in North India and the only one remaining was Kashmir. I went to one of my Kashmiri colleagues and asked him

Me: Do you think it is good time to visit Kashmir now?
Colleague: Certianly , if you don’t want to come back alive
Me:Ok , I am planning to go there after they relive me
Colleague: RIP , I will email you the address of all Christian cemeteries in Kashmir
Me: My id is , in case you don’t know

Unfortunately I couldn't’t get anyone who was as optimistic as me about coming back alive after visiting Kashmir , and had to settle for Rishikesh to wash away my sins in river Ganga with a friend who is practicing law . Since I have done so many sins , this is not my first experience in washing away sins in River Ganga and so the post is a truncated version of my earlier trip .

I was sleeping in the Dehradun - Rishikesh bus .Suddenly somebody pushed me violently and said ,

" You know what , Rishikesh is one of the places where Amrit fell " .
Me (Still groggy after a nice bumping sleep in the bus): Who is Amrit? How did he fell down ? Do we know him ?
" Amrit as in A_M_R_I_T , the divine nectar for which Devas and Asuras had a war. Me: Oh ! That amrit.

The bus window gave me a scenic view of calm environment, tributary of some river , dense forests and a pot hole filled road and a jeep that was waiting to pick us up .

"Bhaai Saab , Jaldi Aao , Shiv puri tak jaana hein"- Our Jeep Driver called for us .

I was thinking . Not bad . Shivpuri is 17 kilometers away from Rishikesh . We will go all the way uphill in this jeep and will raft down hill. God save me !

The road to Shivpuri has some awesome curves again reminding me of Ayesha Takia and strange boards like

'Speed thrills but kills',
'Better Late than Never'
'Don't Drink and drive'
"Feel the curves but don't hug them"
"Check your nerve on my curve"
"Love thy neighbour but not while driving"
"Better be Mister Late than to be Late Mister"
"If you want to stay married, divorce speed"
"Mountains are pleasure if you drive with leisure"

Friend: Are you afraid ?
Me: Obviously not ( I was always a brave fellow , that's why I came with you and didn’t go to Kashmir )
Friend:" What are you thinking about ?
Me: I am thinking who is going to kill Chidambaram for reducing the tax on pet food in the budget
Friend:" WHAT? “
Me: Keep quiet , the river looks so menacing and the sign boards seem to be the dooms sign
Me: Hope we come through this alive , do you know swimming?
Friend: Nopes , I hope you know and will save me
Me: Good , In that case we need only one ambulance when our body is packed off to Kerala
Friend: Can you please shut up?

Suddenly the jeep that was going down a Windy hilly path stopped and we heard a greeting.

Hello , I am Surya . I am your instructor for rafting.

Both of us looked up and saw a four feet five inch guy standing near the jeep .Me wondering how this thin minuscule guy will lift someone who fell into the river .

Surya, our guide who seemed too diminutive to save any of us from drowning , handed us life jackets , plastic helmets and started introducing his team which included a fourteen year boy called Karan who Surya said will save us in case any of us fell into rapids .My friend whispered to me " So they are sure that at least few of us are going to fell down" . I looked back at him and found it quite amusing to see him staring at Karan . The look said it all " Karan my saviour , please make sure that I am getting out of this alive"

Surya started giving us instructions which essentially boiled down into five things

"FORWARD" - How to oar the raft forward?
"BACKWARD" - How to oar the raft backward?
"STOP" - When should you keep the oar on your lap?
"How to save your dear life if you fell into the river?"
"How to cling to Karan's small kayak and save your dear life if you fell into the rapid?"

There were around thirty people and all of us were divided into five boats . These thirty people included some pretty girls, some aunties , some small kids and lot of bald old uncles . I gave a questioning look to my friend when he saw the confidence of bald uncles and he looked away . I know what he was thinking and he knew what I was assuming.

Finally both of us found ourselves among group of eight people which included four bihari business men , one guy working with Coca cola India and One foreigner from France . My friend whispered to me again " This idiot has come all the way from France to drown himself in Ganga . What an Ass ?" . I gave him a nudge to keep quiet and all of us scrambled in to the raft and Surya gave the command all of us were waiting for "FORWARD". The raft started and I could not help laughing when I saw the look on my friends face , " I am going to die".

Finally we were on water in Ganges and the raft started swinging from side to side — and we started our journey around 11:30 PM from Shivpuri to Rishkesh which was a total stretch of seventeen kilometers .— The light traced dark silhouettes on the river’s mountainous banks. Trees, shrubs, creepers, nesting birds, and may be animals that shuffled past those .I felt something brush against my oar as the boat moved silently downstream. Was that a vine-weed, aerial root or viper, swinging menacingly from that tree, or it can be even a crocodile? I shuddered. What if I die of snakebite, and that too 25,000 km away from my home in Kochi and that too in river Ganges of all the places? . Anyway crocodiles don’t come in running water , So Most probably it is a snake .

Surya was searching all the faces and he reassured us when someone asked him about snakes . “Don’t worry”, . “Snakes and other animals don’t attack unless you frighten them. They’re not like us”. His dismissal of the human species was spontaneous, perhaps born of wisdom gleaned from the rich and diverse ecosystems in river Ganges —the intricate web of life spun by creatures of the forest and cave systems — that have been around for millions of years, long before humans appeared on the scene. I was in no mood to argue and kept quiet.

We slowly started and suddenly the atmosphere in the raft became relaxing. Surya had given a STOP command and as we slowly slithered down the river, everybody kept quiet united by the surreal experience. I felt like a trespasser disturbing the system and flagrantly violating the rules in Ganga on a raft . We continued with our voyeurism — spotting a jeep some 2000 m above us on a road going to Neelkanth, a frog here, a fish there , some guy staring at us from top and in the distance, skimming the water, was that a python? Maybe. Who knows? and then I saw it . The first rapid.

The fear returned back in to the boat on seeing the waves. " Common guys , Forward ", Surya yelled over the roaring sound of water . " This rapid is the first major one , you are going to face . It is known as Return to Sender " . I looked at my friend and his face said it all " Doesn't it sound like " Return to God?" . The first few waves seemed easy , but suddenly a BIG one came and the raft and us were almost tossed into the water. Few guys forgot about paddling and crouched themselves into the boat while Surya was fervently giving a "forward" command.Finally the raft steadied and all of us looked around and was pretty disappointed to see that nothing much happened as all of us were still alive and kicking .Thank God! My friend told me in Malayalam.

We have four more rapids like this . The next four are called Roller Coaster, Double Trouble ,Golf course and Club house. Golf course is the biggest one .How ironic ?, - I was thinking - Sexy names for rapids , how can someone name such a menacing thing like a huge rapid in a river as a serene , verdant and peaceful place like golf course.

Roller Coaster the name of the next rapid said it all. A huge rapid, it was the most challenging one in the entire trip. It reminded me of the roller coasters I rode on at fun fairs and what exactly it is to be like when you are inside a roller coaster. A giant heave, a steep fall, incredible twists and turns. White foamy water entered my eyes, mouth and ears. The raft and all of us got drenched as never before and this is no short rapid. As our raft bobbed up and down, I realized that this was not going to be over in minutes.I saw the guy in front being tossed over by the water. It seemed to go on forever. As we entered calmer waters, the relief on the faces of our team members was palpable.

Double trouble was not much of a trouble after the roller coaster and every minute of our approach to the Golf course was exciting. My heart was thumping wildly and every pore in my body was absorbing this adventure expecting something big in the Golf Course , the biggest rapid after the Roller Coaster experience. Soon, all of us were crouching down as we heard Surya yell and we hit the `Golf course'. As we descended this 10 feet wall of water, we could almost see the craggy edges of the rocks that flanked this rapid. We could hear a thud, as our raft hit rocks, stones and boulders and for a moment I thought this is going to be my burial place when our raft sunk. I could see Karan at a distance who was trying to see what had happened to our raft . Fortunately in a matter of minutes we found ourselves floating gently. Some of our Bihari businessmen started chanting slokas from the Gita as our raft gathered speed and Me and my friend heaved a sigh of relief.

Suddenly the French guy fell into the water and all of us thought a crocodile has taken him over . Suddenly a head popped out and he said , " The water is so calm after that rapid , I could not resist jumping". Hearing this three of us jumped down . I could see my friend trying to solve the differential equations and Plato's triangular theorems in deciding whether to jump or not and finally he too decided to jump after achieving quod erat demonstrandum.The river was leech free and thank god it was so exhilarating to float along with the boat in the cold water .The only sounds were the tup-tup of flowing water and the sound of our own voices.

We stopped for lunch and it was a welcome break after the exhausting rapids and two hours of oaring. The white sand and a white tent was a nice place to have some hot chappatis , rice and aloo.

We started again and there were two more rapids but very small ones and it was as easy as calculating 2+2 after the roller coaster and golf course experience .We were concentrating more on floating in the water and an interesting place was the tipping point from which all of us jumped down.It was a 14 feet cliff jumping exercise. The height didn’t seem daunting but when I had let gravity take over I was wondering for a split second why is the water not touching my feet. I must have gone into the water, a few feet and when I emerged my ear drums could sense what the world refers to as increasing pressure of water as one goes deeper into it.

The aunties and bald old uncles were the most enthusiastic lot . After sometime all of us got bored and we started water fighting till we reached the Laxman Chula . The people who were going to the temple through the chula would have found it amusing to see the water fights between people in two three rafts .We alighted at Ram Jhula and gave a quick good bye to Surya , Karan and rest of the team who helped us in the journey.

Have been to almost all places in India in the last three years . But this was a journey worth reminiscing may be because very little in life come totally new and when you experience something new for the first time you wont forget it for quiet some time.

I don’t know why I have a tendency to do any thing that makes my blood hotter and heart beat faster . No wonder my parents always accuse me of doing atrocious things and being in a constant state of crisis putting them under constant state of tension. Hopefully next time I do something like this I will be alive to write it in the blog and will not be resting in peace somewhere .
LOL :)

Monday, February 26, 2007

Shakeela and Literacy ; From Garam Garam Rotis to Vadapav along with Sambarvada

It is almost TATA time to Delhi and I no longer will be hard pushed explaining Madras isn't a state covering entire South India and Kojjikode(Not Calicut) where the REC and IIM exist is in India and yes actually a state called Kerala{m}( no not Karel) {y}exists to all the people who ask me where do I belong to after hearing my cute-y Hindi?.

Hindi was always a language of such complexity back in Kerala and Tamilnadu that many could not master it even after seven years of learning in School and College. The state of Hindi has been like the form of Virendar Shewag that got effaced just before the world cup . With all due respect to the national language many South Indians can't even count in Hindi after twenty five and many of them could be seen negotiating hardly with autowallahs in Delhi for a higher amount than what autowallah had asked for , to roam in Dilli Galis .Author has a special affinity to Hindi because this seems to be the only language in the world where a certain "S**le" word can be used in an affectionate and hostile manner .

The first dose of Hindi was in Doordarshan days through the sentence"Rukhavat ke Liye Khed hein"(Loosely translated after some time in the same screen in English as Sorry for the interruption along with color bars) which was the most common Hindi sentence when only one channel existed in India. Can you belive that the entire India ate , drank and slept Doordarshan when Kris Srikanth had hair and proper eyesight like this when he won the worldcup?.

P S: Any idea who is the guy behind Srikanth , doesnt he look like Ravi Shastri's young son?

These days so many channels exist and the so much {exclusive}news is created that the old half an hour slot in Doordarshan has been replaced by 24 hour news channles and even Kris Srikanth has less hair and needs lenses to open for India in middle age , but the state of Hindi is still maintaining a status quo like the standard of programmes in Doordarshan. Simply ,the standard has the same quality.

Hindi was such a nice language way back in school ,simply because no body listened to what was being taught as there was no compulsory public exam in Hindi in Class X CBSE as there was a choice between mother tongue and Hindi.Eventhough learning Hindi seemed managable those days , speaking and understanding was as hard as learning calculus in Class IX. Author was almost expelled from school when a commotion broke out in the School assembly when he was the School captain and North Indian Students and South Indian students reacted differenly to a command given in the school assembly.The reason for the near explusion apparently was that few North Indian students who could understand Hindi were found facing the south Indian students when the command to turn to a specific side was given.

What a service would have been delivered to the state of Indian national language if all those Mallus had come to North India instead of going to Gulf or America? . To realize the holes and bigger pot holes like roads in Bangalore of Hamari Rashtrabhasha in south Indian states , somebody have to stay in North India .

Now I am talking about some of southies who were among the best of brains in India studying at a Top B School in India , who could formulate strategies in seconds to rescue India Inc.(few of them in fact worked on TATA Corus deal), asks all those wise and intelligent English questions regularly in NDTV/CNN- IBN shows on any matter pertaining to India , politics , business or sports when questions have some south Indian accent and are in English.

Mallus still can sustain but Tams are in a totally hopeless situation (This part is sponsered by the the dravidian parties and anti-Hindi Struggle )

In the first month a Tamilian Classmate who had lot of work experience haggling with those burly annas who ride Chennai autos with a Rajnikant poster on one side went to buy something in the local market .The shopkeeper quoted a price which he could not understand...but he wanted that thing at Rs 40/- so he kept on saying Bhaaya sahi Price karo...not understanding what price he was quoting...:-)) . Poor shopkeeper who obviously was relieved to get a first consumer for some south indian lungis which had been waiting in shop ad infinitum, packed the stuff ,and my classmate kept on repeating sahi price karo and handled him indian currency worth forty bucks who was handled back five rupees promptly. That was a hard way to learn that Painthies means thirty five.However he has learnt lot of "shood" Hindi in the last two years and hopefully will impart the newly acquired knowledge to other pals from the state improving the status and state of Hindi as a whole in Tamil Nadu.

The same guy also has the credit of inventing the first nationally integrated Tamil Hindi swearword in our B School history"oth** @$#%% **le" . One day author and our plump Tam hero went to a fruit shop and was wondering which fruit to Purchase since both of us didnt even go near any fruitshops in Tamilnadu and Kerala.As you know necessity is the mother of invention and eating only parathas (Not Malabari Parottas) and rotis required extreme measures .We zeroed down on one fruit that looked like Guvava.Since the shopkeeper knew only Hindi we asked a well dressed gentleman who was standing near us "What is this?" . He looked at us twisted his nose and moustache like Kris Srikanth and replied "Don't you know. This is a FRUIT" in queens Oxford English. The author doesnt want to disclose the stars in "oth** @$#%% **le" since it can't be explained in public.

Well,sometimes people also forget that they may be conversing in different languages . In an evening class suddenly the light went out and Mallus being all that much inquisitive , my mallu friend asked "What is the problem? Kya Hua?" . The sardarji sitting next to him answered Patti. Mallu friend again asked "What did you say?" . Innocent Sardarji replied " Patti" . Hot news was that sardarji's nose got a treatment similar to the treatment given to a cricket ball by Dhoni's bat and he sweared not to speak to any mallu in Punjabi till the end of his life. Patti not only means dog in Malayalam but also some sort of electrical fitting inside the tubelight in some Punjabi dialect.Innocent Surd in fact replied that there was a problem with "Patti" inside the tube since he did not know the english for the electrical fitting . It was also equivalently hard in convincing the fellow Mallu that patti was said in Punjabi and not in Malayalam. Nehru and his " Unity in Diversity" concept would have been proud of the diversity that exists within the unity of this country.

Even cousins of Hindi language like Urdu cause enough trouble for South Indians in North India who prefer eating rotis with Sambar. A mallu who didnt know what is "Shabnam" almost saved the republic day parade on January 26,2004. Republic days are generally foggy days in national capital and the car of our hero collided with a Mahindra Scorpio that was being driven by another guy.The villian in Scorpio remarked to our hero that "Sab , Shabnam ke vache se huan". Our hero who thought that Shabnam(Relating it to Shabhana Azmi) was a beautiful girl looked in the front seat and the back seat but could not find any girl or beauty. Our Mallu hero argued with the scorpio villain for half an hour but everything was blamed on Shabnam .What an argument it was , you can very well imagine between a mallu who know sporadic Hindi and the guy who knew Urdu.Since our moustached hero could not make out what is Shabnam he cursed the villain and left the place obviously cross at missing the republic day parade that he had seen only through doordarshan every year.Apparently later investiagtions among Northie friends revealed that Shabnam is the Urdu/Persian word for fog and the Malayali hero immediately took the entire credit for avoiding a terrorist attack in the republic parade which in turn meant that the police and army who were guarding the parade ground could have done better if they had arrested the guys who knew the meaning of Shabnam in Urdu instead of guarding Delhi.

Mallus making gaffe with Hindi/Urdu is a known fact but it is equivalently entertaining to hear the {mis}conceptions about Mallu land from this part of the country.Author can swear on the no of hairs in the head of Indian defence minister A K Antony and the number of sun glasses owned by K Karunanidhi that the three common symbols of Malluland in north India are High Literacy , Film Actress Shakeela and Complex Strange Names. Mallus being literate are considered to be highly intelligent people who can think {ir}rationally on all relevent matters under this universe.Even Manirathnam thinks so. No wonder Shahrukh Khan seems to be from an intelligent mallu family in Dil Se and the collector who harasses Abhishek Bachan in Guru speaks Malayalam to a confused Abhishek on the screen . Author is sure that Abhishek would have had much lesser confusion on his face while proposing to Aishwarya Rai once he went through that experience with the Malayali collector in Guru.

National Literacy Mission defines literacy as acquiring skills of reading , writing and arithmetic and ability to apply them to one's day-to-day life. It means :self reliance in the 3Rs , becoming aware of the causes of deprivation and moving towards amelioration of their condition by participating in the process of development , acquring skills to improve their economic status and general well being , imbibing values of national integration , conserving of environment , womens equality and observance of small family norms.It is hard to convince North Indians that Mallus put a full stop before arithmetic in this definition , rubbed everything off and called the then Prime Minister V P Singh to Kozhikode (or Kojjikode in North Indian Lingo) in 1989 before anybody realised that Mallus have changed the definition and proclaimed themselves as 100% literate before any new literate person in Mallu land could forget counting till ten. Latest news is that Mizoram and Nagaland has found out how Mallus did it and they are also trying to do the same inspired by Mallu Chief Secretaries.

Shakeela(Not Mammootty and Mohnalal) became the symbol of Malluland through the persisitent efforts of Mallu Channels with and without strong political {under}connections. Mallus like me always had a huge respect for the Bong intelligensia . In my opinion Bengalis and Malayalis should in fact fight for Communism , Intellectual Cinema , Fish curry , Football , Bandhs , Gheraos , Strikes and how to propogate groups within State Congress Units . It was quite surprising that one day when one of the B School Classmates from St:xavier's College Kolkata shouted Shakeela loudly in the class and everyone in the sex with X and Y Chromosome turned their heads to see what was the matter . It underlined the severe suspicion of the author that Mallu Channels can tap potential of all India television market through Shakeela brand if they remove the guys with tenuous , thin and shady moustaches from pairing opposite to Shakeela in the Mallu films. The Consumer {mis}perception about tenuous , thin and shady moustaches was revealed in a marketing survey for the Marketing Research Project in the same class. Apparently once on a trip to Jharkhand to attend a marriage author could see Shakeela's huge Hindi thighs in a max shady Hindi film poster.

The Puzzle of strange mallu names has a cult status in North Indian Community and who ever solves it may get a grand prize from Central government according to the reliable sources in PMO and UN. (Click on the link dear reader, I put the trouble of putting it up) North Indian classmates and recruiters can't understand how Mallus can form names by replacing one letter in a name so easily like -


or for that matter some complex names like

Outhakkutty~ Avarachan~ Pathrose~Ouseph~Thomachan~ or to that matter how they add a '-an' in the end

Narayanan ~Gopalakrishnan~Balakrishnan~Ramakrishnan~Chenthamarakshan~Muthupalaniappan , Sendhamizhkodhai Vanchinathan and so on or to that matter how they add family names like

Menachery ~ Cherpunkery ~ Puthanangady ~ Permunanchery ~ Pattaparambil ~ Puthenparambil ~ Mangalassery ~Kanjamala ~Elattuvalappil ~ Meleveettil

to the already confusing and tongue twisting names . The last two family names became quite famous after E Sreedharan became the chairman of Delhi Metro (DMRC) and M Damodaran became the shief of SEBI. It seems that central government is reconsidering the postings of all mallus in similar posts due to the tongue twisting compaints by employees in DMRC and SEBI.

Author suspects that Mallu names are too tongue twisting to the comfort of many North Indian friends and this was proved during the Pre Placement Interview when the recruiter in a reputed company asked his own help in calling out the name of one girl which was a '*jo' name and was pronounced as "*zo" after the author intervened from the side of guys much to his embarassment and amusement/entertainment of his classmates.However two years with author have improved the condition of some North Indians at least making sure that Thodupuzha , Alappuzha and Vazahappazham has regained the same status in Non-Mallu land as in Mallu land. Based on his experiences author would also like to advice that if any Mallu and his father has two strange Mallu names the space( ) should also be told while reciting the spelling since North Indian friends may faint deciphering two strange Mallu names which any way wont be prnonounced correctly.

It has always been a mystery way back in Kerala how those thin girls who doesn't seem to eat anything could dance so fast in Hindi films in snowy places wearing as little clothes as possible when foreigners stared at them like aliens . It has still remained an unanswered question because author is still trying to find the answer to the question when the same was tossed to one of the North Indian friends how those black moustache guys in South Indian films are so plump that they can't even lift their legs when they are hitting the villians or to that matter how Rajnikant can kill two people with one bullet in some Tamil films or can deliver those flying kicks on twenty goondas at one stretch , a feat unmatched even in {B}Hollywood .Some questions like this and why K Karunakaran is jumping between UDF and LDF or how comrade V S Achu became the third best chief minister in India or who is the asli father of Saif Ali Khan's character in Ekalavya better remain unanswered.

Mallus , Chinese food and cockroaches could be found anywhere in earth and general truths like Cockroaches float in water and Chinese food digests one hour after eating , Mallus always form a cartel wherever they go.The legend is that when Niel Armstrong landed in moon , he saw the Communist flag on the top of a Mallu Teashop . The original reason of the stay for two hours in Moon was not un-availability of oxygen , but the impending strike and a call for bandh by Mallu workers union in the tea shop making sure that Niel Armstrong wont get tea next morning in moon. This strike is in fact a trait of the fact that Mallus and Communists are afraid of foreigners and don't like the foreign invasion and this is precisely one of the reasons due to which Communist Party indundated with Mallus is not giving enough fresh air to Manmohan Singh in matters relating from FDI in retail to capital account convertibility.
Mallus have a cartel even in Delhi markets and all canteens and tea stalls are being run by Mallus who won't speak to other Mallus in Malayalam. Kerala the land created through axe is a place of curious juxtapositions - Highest Literacy and highest unemployment , Lowest Infant Mortality Rate and Highest Suicide rate and Keralites outside Kerala exhibit a curious juxtaposition , they know Malaylalam very well but does not speak it.

One day author used a special tactic( It was not a strategy , because then I was not an MBA) to the canteen guy in INA Market who was not ready to speak in Malayalam.

Canteenwallah: Woh! Kidhar Hein ?(About authors friend who made the order, ate mutton cutlete and escaped without payment)
Author: Ariyathilla (Means Don't Know in Malayalam)
Canteenwallah: Mene Poocha , Woh! Kidhar Hein
Author: Mene Kahan! Woh! Ivide Nahin hein
After which canteen guy became a friend and has been giving free sambar vadas to the author. Hence forth author also became a part of the Mallu Canteen Cartel in INA market ensuring a constant supply of free sambarvadas .

The legends which are written and stored in Papyrus Rolls in Delhi University Central library also has a story of a Mallu who studied here in St:Stephens College way back in 1960's . Even Mallus were not aware about the vast possibilities of student politics on those days which is a license in Kerala to attack anything and everything that work properly. St:Stephens College has reservation for Christians and many Mallus have been studying here since the inception of the college . One day a professor in the Class called our mallu friend 'Gaddhe Ki Aulad' in which Mallu only understood that Gaddhe which means Donkey and mallu students being all that militant and revolting and aware about student rights even then , he promptly replied . Sir , I think you are the donkey . Apparently aulad means son and the professor riposted back in such a way that Mallu caught the next train back to Kerala became a Zzimbly Mallu and joined his family newspaper there which later became one of the highest circulated newspapers in India simply by following the strategy of propogating the message how mallus are great?.He was so bad at Hindi that it is certianly a consoling fact that the paper was started in Malayalam.The paper in fact have a record of inventing a Mallu girl friend for Boris Becker .Incidentally even Becker didn't know such a girl existed . The paper thereby increased the revenue through German Tourists for Kerala Tourism when German media propagated the discovery of such a girl thereby ensuring sufficient visibility for God's own country in Germany.

It has been a hard time teaching in North India that 'Kerala is not Zimmbaly Kareal' and it is time for a change.

These days I am looking forward to learn Marathi along with Hindi in Western India .

Shifting to that city which is known for vada pav and packing people inside local trains like nuts inside a cashew nut tin .

TATA Delhi and Hello Mumbai .

Apun is looking forward to be an an Aamchi , Mumbaikar? .

Any help appreciated!!!!!!
If you reached till here you have a lot of "Sabr" , do share in comments if you have any "Unity in Diversity - Language experience" :)


This is not a parochialist post from a frustrated South Indian in North India .All the characters in this post are real and would have appeared in an earlier post as well and since the author is making this post from Indira Gandhi International Airport and is leaving to Mumbai in next flight , hopefully he is safe.If no post appears next month , please pray to God to rest his soul in peace in the family cemetery in Kochi or some Christian cemetery in Bandra.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Supreme Court is a "@#$@#$#%$%#".

I was not a happy man when I boarded the train. Even the plush comfort of the air-conditioned compartment of the Mangala Express could not cool my frayed nerves. I was a student and still not had the means to air travel on those days because Air Deccan was still not covering Kerala. It was not the comfort that I sought,I had tried to reason with the parents, it was the savings in time but I knew we couldnt afford the hefty charges from Kerala to Delhi whatever be the savings in time. In Delhi I had so many things to do and spending three days inside a comfortable train cabin somehow seemed total waste of time. Whatever, I opened my suit case and took out the laptop, determined to put the three days in train to some good use.

" Are you going to Delhi? ," the man beside me was staring appreciatively at the laptop.

After glancing briefly at him and realising that he is a first time traveller to Delhi, I mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car to show off.

"Today everything is getting computerized.", He remarked.

I smiled and turned around to give the man a look , of course any body in post liberalisation generation can take some credit for the IT revolution which changed India and it was a pleasure to take that minor share which was coming into my platter.

The man was short and plump. He looked simple and strangely out of place in that little lap of luxury in an AC compartment with his white Mundu and shirt among army men , nurses and families . Most probably he is going to Delhi for his business requirements , I thought.

"The train is reaching Thrissur station" the man continued, " Would you like to share a cigaratte?"

I smiled deprecatingly and knew he was trying to engage in a conversation with me till Delhi as both of us seemed to be the only people who were not in groups. For a moment, I was tempted to explain how cigaratee companies are making revenues through people like him who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day but restrained myself to a single statement.

"Thanks , but I don't smoke."

" I assumed so. What about a tea? "came the reply.

A hint of belligerence and banter came into his so far affable, persuasive tone when I tried to keep away from him.

No point .I closed the laptop.

Somehow the three days are going to be wasted in this train drinking tea and coffee with him .

Over a tea I learnt that he is from Southern Kerala and is going to Delhi for something related to a case in Supreme Court.He told me about his sons , wife and mother . Sometimes I wonder how easily I am able to extract information out of strangers I meet

The train had already started by the time we finished tea and a very old lady came in between us.

I welcomed her as an escape from the man and thought about opening my laptop again.

"Mone" . It was the turn of the old lady now. I hate when people call me mone because it is a sign of people treating me as a kid for my boyish charm.

"Yes" , I tried to put on the look of a pseudo intellectual.

"Would you like to have some banana chips? . I made it specially for my grandson in Delhi."

Again she was trying to engage in a conversation but I didnt mind , since she looked like my grandmother.

"Thanks. How old is your grandson?".

"He will turn eleven next September"
, She said

How come people wait for children to turn old when they are young ?
What is her motivation in sharing something with me that was specially made for a eleven year old kid?

I wondered and I didn't bother because the chips seemed very tasty.My mother has adviced me a thousand times about the need to keep away from strangers and I never accept anything from strangers but the old lady seemed too innocent to con me. I took two or three chips from her just for the sake of it.

"Would you like to have some?" , I asked the man and the old lady offered some chips to him.

" Ammachi ,The Taste is good " , The man said.

We became like a family since three of us were the only people who were not in any group or family in the compartment . I never got a chance to open the laptop again in my trip. We talked about each other and I learnt that old lady is going to visit her son in Delhi who was working in the Foreign Affairs ministry.She was very proud of her grandchildren whom she claimed were very smart.I found the old lady more interesting than man because she always gave the the banana chips and tasty achappams and so many snacks whenever I spoke with her and agreed to the fact that all her grandchildren were among the smartest kids in the world.

The man just listened to us and did not utter a word . He appeared tense and lost in his own world. Occasionally he asked me and the old lady when the train stopped in various stations whether we needed tea or food and three of us ate from the same vendor. The train proceeded through Mangalore , Konkan , Bombay and into Uttar Pradesh taking all of us in its womb.Somehow I always liked talking and making friends with people in my train journeys to Delhi and so many of them call once in a while.This journey and conversation was a welcome change from the usual banter of Army officers about their gallantry and from those flirty young nurses who worked in North Indian towns.

The train reached Hazrat Nizamuddin on the third day and thanks to a train derailment somewhere between Agra and Mathura ,it was almost midnight when the train reached the station .

The old lady was so sad to leave me and the man.She gave her phone number in Delhi and in Thrissur and invited me and the man home . I promised to visit her next time I am in Thrissur visiting my relatives and joked with her that she should share teh recipe with my mother.We handed her over to her son and smart grandchildren and then just two of us were left.

Me and the man. Just like it was in the beginning of the journey.

"So where do you want to go ?", I asked him.

"I want to go to a place where I can stay for tonight. I have to go to the court tomorrow and the return train is on day after tomorrow morning if possible" , He said.

"If Possible?" , That caught my attention

"Don't you have a reservation back , else it will be very tough?"

"Yes , I have"

Why did he add if possible, I wondered secretly.

I was going to Delhi University and thought that I can drop him in Pahadganj since he was not familiar with Delhi.

Mallu Mallu bond, my northie friends called my tendency to help other people from Kerala .

I dropped him at Pahadganj and explained to him the way to go to Supreme Court.

"Why dont you stay with me and go back tomorrow morning?", He asked

"Nopez, Got to go tomorrow for an early morning lecture" , I lied because i didn't want to stay with a stranger.

"All the Best for your case tomorrow" , I wished him when I was leaving

Suddenly he cringed and tension on his face was palpable.

I was thinking about his court case and that expression when I was returning from his hotel room.

Next day , I forgot about him and the expression . I was busy focusing on the things that needed my attention when I was away.

The call came in the evening.

The call came in the evening from the same man I met in the train.

He was screaming over the phone , totally exhilarated , " We won the case "

I couldn't actually place how it was We and not I. "Congratulations , Now you are happy is it"

"Certainly " , He said . " I want to return to Kerala tomorrow and would like to meet you over a drink".

"See , I am really busy"

"No , No . I have to meet you before I go . You were my good luck charm "

I knew he was buttering me , " See , I am really very busy"

One of my North Indian friends asked . " What is the guy saying about drink? I can hear him shouting over the phone about the drink"

"Nothing , Yaar . Some shady guy I met in the train". I lied about it eventhough he told we won the case.

"I did my TCS training in Trivandrum , Don't lie" . He said "I heard him shouting over the phone and inviting you for a drink , Lets go. It is Free yaar"

Whoever said FREE is the most attractive four letter word with any offer should be the most intelligent person in the universe , I thought

"Ok , where?" , I asked the man

"Come to my hotel room" , He said.

We went in my friends car and the man was different . No tension , no pain . Happiness roseated from his face and he was talking animatedly to his wife and sons when we entered his room.

We went to a swanky bar and people stared at him because he was still wearing the Mundu and a Blue Shirt. Me and my friend didn't care about those glances that we received occasionally from other tables.

We settled down ordered some drinks and started the usual banter.After two three rounds I told him.

"You were really tense yesterday . So , what was this case about?"

"Nothig much , a small issue "

"May be some business problem , It happens you know"

"It was a business problem , but was a criminal offence"

"Criminal offence?"

"Ya , I killed two people"


" I killed two people and Supreme Court is a !#$@$#$@#$. The verdict was that I was innocent. I thought I would be hanged and wont be bale to return back to my family in Kerala"

The vodka in my head evaporated . I looked more closely to see whether he is still there and whether I was dreaming.I looked at my friend who was only concentarting on his drinks.I was not sure what he meant when he said 'Supreme Court is a !#$@$#$@#$' whether it symbolised deep regret in killing two people or happiness in being acquitted.

"Excuse me .Are we having this Vodka for killing two people? "

He just stared at me without answering and replied .

" I invited you for a drink because you didnt ask anything about me in the train and talked to me like a brother. I was tired of all those accusing glances and tears of my children who were constantly harassed by people in our town for being the sons of a murderer".

I was meeting a murderer for the first time in my life and I always had this stereotypical image about a mudrerer who killed other people being nasty , eccentric and abnormal.This guy appeared normal anyway .I wanted to keep away from the person who had murdered two people whatever be the reason.

He started with the story on how he started a factory in his village with what he got from his parents and how union leaders harassed him . He had to resort to gun fire when an angry mob attacked him and he killed two of his own workers.

The story started falling into place. I remembered reading about it in Malayala Manorama.I didnt know whether to blame him or empathise with him when heard the whole story.

He defended himself saying about the huge loans he had to incur to start the factory , about his family- the wife , mother and two kids- who depended only on him and how he helped the families of workers after the factory was reopened.Whatever , I could not take any drinks after that and the entire Vodka in my head and my friend's head (after I explained to him) evaporated into thin air.

We fled from there with in fifteen minutes and left him in his hotel room and drove back to University in silence.

It didnt end there .

He used to call me often for next six months and then slowly the calls decreased as his business picked up.

Once I had to visit the town where his factory was .Moore and his laws always tried to play with me and I ran into him of all the people in that town . We went to his house . His wife made me tapioca and fish curry and I played with his children . He took me to his factory and showed all around and introduced me to some workers saying I was a distant relation.He used to call me , to discuss his family matters till I changed my old number.

Whenever I pass in front of Supreme Court in Delhi , I think about that man , the journey , that old lady and his statement Supreme Court is a "@#$@#$#%$%#" and often wonder how he is doing these days.

Hopefully you are doing fine , my friend.

Why do killers kill? - Thought about him after reading this.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Rose & Lotus

There was a Red Rose and there was a Red lotus. Rose and Lotus lived in two ponds and lot of flowers came to visit them often through a common path.Rose and Lotus were good friends .

One day an extremely red and beautiful petal that came in lotus was appreciated by 21 flowers.Rose also had a more beautiful red petal that was apreciated by 64 flowers including Lotus sometime back.Rose on seeing the petal in lotus thought that Lotus had crushed and used the more beautiful red petal from rose to make the new lotus petal.Rose forgot that Lotus had never failed in acknowledging a good work or petal and that is how the friendship with Rose started.

Lotus remembered seeing the rose petal after rose alleged that lotus had crushed and used her petals to give more red colour to lotus petals but apparently there is only one question that is asked during a Syrian Christian marriage in the nupital ceremony and lotus knows that his conscience is clear. Lotus had stopped intentional copying in Clas III way back in 1988 when he was caught red handed by Mathematics Teacher for copying a maths answer and was given two proper smacks.Lotus also knows that petals are all about honesty and making friends and there is no point in stealing a petal from rose because other flowers that visit both of them will identify the rose petal very soon and it will be an extremely foolish action.None of the other flowers also realised that Rose had a similar petal sometime back and Rose is also cross with them as in naaraaz hein.

Lotus also does not blame rose for what she says , since he does not have any proof.Lotus had always viewed all petals as an escape from the monotonus work and have never felt the need to steal or crush any petals that belong to rose or anyone else without acknowledgement.Lotus thinks that lotus petals are as beautiful as other lotus petals and rose petals are as beautiful as other rose petals making a rose as beautiful as a rose and a lotus as beautiful as a lotus.Nobody can say a red lotus is more beautiful than red rose or red rose is more beautiful than a red lotus.

Hope rose will understand.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

High IQ ,Google Ads & Nariyal Chutney

The average IQ of the world is somewhere near 120 but if you remove the IQ of people who read this blog regularly moi assume that it may go less than 30 :O . Generally Moi like people with very high IQ like our President APJ Abdul Kalam and i am looking forward to meet him sometime in future so that I can ask him how often does he cut his hair maintaining a consistent length and design. Talking about people with high IQ moi always thought that Googlians may be among the people with highest IQ in the world. Googligans is a N.Chutney term (like UBI )for people who work in Google and Moi always thought that these googligans are pretty intelligent until I started this blog called Nariyal Chutney.

John batelle in his book "The Search" talks about how Google will change the world by matching the content of internet pages with the intent of the person who access internet pages. This basically means that if you are accessing a page in internet looking for someone to marry google will help you in finding the person through an advertisment of . First time I logged into or for that matter or I found out that there is no category for people who wanted to marry aliens. For that matter Moi always wanted to marry an alien because they have such non human figures as seen in movies like Men in Black , ET and Startrek and it seems pretty interesting concept to marry someone who is not governed by the usual mallu christian cliches like god fearing , convent educated , fair , wheatish that may result in a Big Fat Mallu Wedding .Opening a matrimonial site for people who are interested in marrying aliens is a good opportunity ( an untargetted segment in MBA lingo ) for all those MBA's who are planning to open a new business venture.

So when some intelligent googligan decided to mail me at about a possible chance for making some bucks through using something called adsense I fell for it . You can't blame me because like all of you I dont mind getting some money for spending three minutes in copy pasting and inserting some thing that looked like pub-2XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX9.

Before you read the crap below look a long stare at the left side of this page. The villain who came to this page through pub-2XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX9 is between my mail ID and labels.Now this simple action of CAP (Cut and Paste) Technology has changed the whole concept of intelleigence of googligans to N.Chutney.

See some of the advertisements below.

Don't know what is this. This came long with my past on more details about N.Chutney.If any of you can understand and decipher what they want to advertise or sell and how it is connected with me let me know so that I can help the seller and the buyer.

This is an advertisement about Top Stock Picks for 2007 which came along with my post on the Vodka Saga. Generally people do not discuss stocks while taking Vodka because they are supposed to be in their subconscious mind. Personally I think stocks as such is bad for Vodka drinkers like me because two stocks that I had made some investments on has been in downward spiral ever since I invested.

Bathroom Ideas came with my post on the irony of CM of Kerala , V S Achutanandan becoming the #3 best Chief Minister in India. As far as I remember there was some controversy when K Karunakaran was the Chief Minister and made a swimming pool and a new bathroom in Cliff House after an accident in 1992. Moi not exactly able to place how bathrooms and V S Achutanandan are related. Are they suuming that Bathrooms in Cliffhouse are "capitalist and imperialist" or something and V S Achutandan is looking to replace them with "socialist" bathrooms.

Cobalt Blue Green Lasers came with my post on how Blessy makes sensible cinema through middle class stories to which all Keralites can identify. If this is something that is used to make movies and I suggest it to Blessy he may invite to be the assistant director in next movie , who knows?

Sometimes I feel these advertisements from Googligans are not sensitive to market realilites . This advertisement came along with my post on Malayali Christian Marriages. As far as I know couples these days go to Singapore , Europe or Mauritius to celebrate Honeymoon. None of the Syrian Christians stay back in Kerala for honeymoon when all those foreign couples come to Kerala for their honeymoon.

Many Lady friends generally have told me after accepting the gifts from guys that they are not interested in gifts and they like intelligent people with grey matter and humor sense.Guys, this is another way of saying they dont like duffers like me(us) who are very serious and buy gifts wasting our money on these days of high inflation. Googligans have failed to get this consumer insight and this advertisement came with my post on eX and She-He which made me more miserable on Valentines day along with the advertisements from Airtel which started with the sentence "Valentine par kyun rahein akele... Blah Blah ".

This is what is coming when I am finishing this post. Any idea what the hell is Deep Freeze Labels and how it matches with the content in this blog.

Have a look @ the left side and see what comes through the pub-2XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX9 code from googligans.Whatever you see is the common sense of Adsense at this moment.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Scenes from Malayali Christian Marriages

Malayali X'ian Marriage Scenes are very solemn , sober , serious ,pristine, life threatening affairs like those mega serial episodes in Asianet and Surya TV . Moi had been waiting for a marriage from our generation for quite sometime and everything happened in three days flat even before you can say in one breath "my cousin got married in Kochi".

Mine is a very true {fraud} mallu X'ian family with branches from Muvattupuzha to Manhattan , Palai to Philadelphia and Adimali to Arizona . The extended roots of my family is the firm proof behind one of N.Chutney's principles that you can find Malayalis , Chinese food and Cockroaches everywhere and anywhere in the universe including moon.If the plans of my grandmother would have gone right she would have had enough priests to start a seminary and enough nuns to start a convent .However out of the four sons who went to Seminary three including my father jumped out on the first chance possible and none of my aunts even went near the convent . Then her entire hopes were on me since I was the eldest son of an eldest son of an eldest son. I could not understand that all those Achappams , Kuzhalappams and general appams that were specially made for me in my paternal house had a hidden and secret agenda of taking me to the altar for ordination. However since I was her favorite grandchild , the only thing I promised her that day was I will do social service .Let me swear keeping one hand on my head and second hand on the key board that I never went back from the commitment and I did and am still doing social service by not joining the clergy. I feel you people are unlucky , else a duffer like me would not have been writing what you are reading now . I would have been rather preaching sermons in some remote village in Kerala to catholic lambs.

Never mind , So She entrusted me with the task of taking her only son who completed the seminary and who is a principal in a reputed catholic school in Delhi to Kerala in a flight and depositing him back to school amidst all this brouhaha. The itinerary looked simple but the matters looked complex when we reached the Indira Gandhi International Airport in Delhi where scenes where chaotic..

Nowadays whenever I am travelling , I feel that the buses and aeroplanes are similar.These days both are providing lousy service , extreme delays , annoyances and inconveniences at extremely cheap rates.The future of Indian Airports lie in pilots standing in front of planes and calling out to passengers .
just like those drivers standing in front of buses in Thrissur Bus Stand and calling out to passengers

Whatever , finally when we reached Kochi after an airpocket guttery ride in Air Sahara with a huge collection of Sahara Pranams , I could understand that the mosquitoes in Kochi are still the same. Black , fat and with an improved sting these days.

Scene 1 - General Ambience
Christian marriages are solemn and sober because you realise that true catholic families are not affected by any changes that take place in the outside world . They only concentrate on opening more branches in the family tree. As a result the number of tiny tots are increasing day by day contributing more to the cheap labor in Indian Software industry. Last time I counted I had 27 cousins from 9 uncles and 8 Aunts and this time I didn't count because they seemed to be everywhere and number appeared to be huge . More than that it is a hell lot of a trouble remembering relations like your fathers - aunts - mother - in law's - mothers - sisters - sons - daughter or your grandfathers - brothers - wives - in law's - sons - sisters - sons -father.The potential consequence of missing any link in this chain may be catastrophic and may even create a family feud.

Scene 2 - Pre Marriage Night

There is this custom called " Madhuram Vekkal "(Sharing the sweet) on Pre Marriage Night.Well , whoever has thought about this custom has designed it beautifully and even people with Diabetes wont say no to sugar/cake/coconut water amidst tears shed on meeting each other after so many years , generous back-slapping , loud mallu laughters + guffaws , fun-poking and unrestrained joy in a pre marriage night environment. My father and mother who apparently is the godfather and godmother of the bride to be asks the assembled crowd if they may feed the bride some Sugarcane Powder. This must be done three times and each time, provided the crowd shouts "Yes" in Malayalam ( with longest Mallu Yes coming from tiny tots), the sugar is placed on the tip of the tongue of the bride to be.

A huge circle of males (colloquially known as Achayans) sitting together and gulping wine and booze as if there is no tomorrow is another symptom of Pre marriage Night . This is an integral part of any Xian marriage and you can see a neat row of males clad in white Mundus discussing matters ranging from American attack on Iraq to the future of Nationalist Congress Party in Kerala Political Scenario , the future of Prithviraj in Malayalam Cinema to when the bride was born in Lisie Hospital , Kochi what exact role did each one play(other than the role played by mother of the bride) in the delivery.

Scene 3 - Marriage Morning
Marriage to me always looked like this wonderful union which ushers in a beautiful life of companionship , sharing sorrows and celebration of life between bride and groom.So naturally we expect Bride and Groom to be the most important persons on the D Day. But we realise that there is a set of videographers and photographers who act as the National Security Guards and control each moment of the marriage with their timely inputs , sometimes even demanding a re telecast.They rule the marriage mornings and marriage day.The only place where bride rules the marriage day is the Alukkas jewellery advertisements that appear constantly in Asianet/ Surya / Kairali T V.

Scene 4 - Marriage Ceremony
There will be an extended procession of cars that will be moving towards church on the scheduled time and there is this gala entrance of bride an groom to the church . The ceremony consists of a marriage ceremony , a speech ( with updated inputs on the rising number of divorce cases in Kerala ) and a mass. Everything else in the ceremony is crap other than the nupital ceremony.

Priest: Do you Mathai / Avarachan/ Outhakkutty/ Joseph/ Kurian/ Chacko/ Pathrose
take Shinykkutty/ Marykkutty/Sarahkkutty/ Valsakkutty to be your lawfully
wedded wife?
Groom:Hmm ...Brrrr.... I do ( After looking one more time in the direction of bride to confirm for a last time) .
Priest: Do you Shinykkutty/ Marykkutty/Sarahkkutty/ Valsakkutty take Mathai / Avarachan/ Outhakkutty/ Joseph/ Kurian/ Chacko/ Pathrose to be your lawfully wedded husband.
Bride: I do.(After eyeing the husband to be coyly)
Priest ( With the celebration of Sreesanth who hit Nel for a six ): You two are witnesses for this , Is it ?(Basically this is another way of asking , in case something screws up , you can accompany me to court)

Two innocent looking grey haired uncles step forward from the crowd and shake their heads vigorously. (Sometimes I think womens reservation should be applied everywhere in the world).

Church Choir sing in chorus as soon as witnesses shake their heads..... Puthiyakudumbathin Blahhhh Blahhhh (Loosely translated in English as New family in Earth (Thanks to the priest) Blahhhh Blahhhh)

Everyone who was craning their necks to see whether the bride or groom will say no is also relieved.

World Peace , White Doves and Olive Leaves all around.

Scene 5 - Marriage Feast
Generally there are two sets of relatives who come for marriages in Kerala
1. People in India
2. People outside India who can be classified into two
a)People with Unfortunately Born in India Attitude
b)People without Unfortunately born in India Attitude

Unfortunately Born in India is an attitude that is supposed to be 'kewl' and is exhibited by many relatives who come from Gelf , Europe , Amrica to attend Malayali Christain Marriages.People from UBI gang are ready to give an impromptu lecture on why All Indians are Unfortunate to be born in a third world country like India with its cow dung , pot hole filled roads , corrupt government and all things bad about India . Sadly they dont find anything good in the country of their roots. If you ever go for a Malayali X'ian Marriage make sure you are not near people from UBI gang. Sadly I made the mistake this time.

People of the type 2 b above (the UBI gang) come and talk about lack of sivility and komblex manrs among bloody Indeans and how unfortunate are you to be born in a thid wuld cntry like Indea. They also say that the government should klear up konfusion so that Indeans abroad kan have one more citisenship. There will be growing publik enthusiasm if sitisens from abroad are treated with rezpect.Publik akseptanse of the new citizen policy kan be expekted to reach the shtage where more komplikated changes are possible and Government must enkourage the removal of cingle zitizenship which have always bein a deterent to akurate identity for People of Indean origien.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech othrs Indean Culturrr. Ze drem of a uniti among Indeans wrldwide vil finali kum tru.

Scene 6 - Leaving the girl :( This part is sponsered by Vimal Handkerchiefs)
Once you finish the feast 89.3% of the people just vanishes . The other 10.7% are relatives who are impatiently waiting to leave the bride in grooms house before starting with their Siesta in the returning vehicle.This was a sad part and I felt sorry for my aunt , uncle and cousin and felt bad about all those white Mundu Clad relatives who wanted to start back as soon as possible.

I returned back to Delhi in the next Air Sahara flight and deposited my uncle safely back to the school. The trip was not worth the investment I could just stay two days in my beloved room and could not eat my favorite home cooked food made by Amma.

Malayali X'ian Marriages are very interesting events. Dont miss one if you ever get a chance to attend a marriage. In case you are not getting chance for next two/three years , you can post me a mail on Dec 31, 2009 . Hopefully by that time me and my parents will agree on the fact that I have become a marriage'able' and I will run out of all the excuses in the world :P.

P S: What happens when these Malayali Christian Traditions meet Punjabi Wedding Style ?. You can check here

PPS(Added Later ):Enjoy another of Malayali Christian Marriage experience here(Given in bold , Please note :P)

Monday, February 05, 2007

Ladies Consumer Behavior - The Parzania Experience

There are few strange things about the movie Parzania , Times of India and Rajeev Masand of CNN IBN agreed that a movie is good for the first time in the Indian movie review history.

#2.It was banned in Gujarat and watching any banned movie gives as much vicarious pleasure as jumping over the boundary walls at night to watch a movie during my hostel days.

#3.Sarika is playing the lead role in the movie and I generally have a soft corner for all people who have a broken relationship like me.

#4.Miss . RS (Soon to turn into Mrs.RS with some one else) who generally likes watching movies and who is ga ga about movies like Vivah , Jooth Bole Kawa Kathe and Yun Hotha tho Kya Hotha said the movie seems to be a bore.

Weather in North India had turned less foggy and Nariyal Chutney was basically looking forward to a lazy weekend in the company of few books from second hand book market in Daryaganj . One of those feel-good days when you dont want to get up from bed and decide that you will login only four times to gmail , two times to rediffmail , only once to Yahoo Messenger and 0 times to Orkut (Hating to login to Orkut these days Dont know why). Oh and there is this mallu movie featuring cute, pretty and warm actress on whom I was always keeping one of my two eyes firmly fixed ever since she made her debut.

Saturday went fine as planned but Miss RS called me out for a lunch on Sunday.Miss RS is a very good friend and was among those few sensible girls in Delhi University( This has been rephrased because of a threat) few sensible girls out of the girls I Know in Delhi University . Nariyal Chutney Knew something was in stock as soon as I saw the bulldozer called Miss RS coming in through the entrance of the mall and the vibes and waves of excietement could be felt reverberating through the air .

She came , stopped ,panted and Nariyal Chutney patiently waited for her to stop panting

Miss RS: Hi Nariyal Chutney

NC: Hi Maaam

Miss RS: I am getting Married

NC: Who is the bride?

MRS RS (Note that Miss chnaged to Mrs as soon as she announced her marriage):He is in .... , What did u ask? Didnt u ask who is the bride?

NC: No I asked who is the groom

MRS RS: $#@$@$#%#%#$%%#%, Your Lunch is cancelled

NC: Hey , U have gone slimmer ( This is a Nariyal Chutney strategy. Girls are generally very conscious about their looks and shapes)

MRS RS : Ya I know , I have been working out too hard, U know..

NC: Yes yes , The lunch in Fortune Cookies is very nice

MRS RS: What Lunch ? I am not sponsoring you anything , your treat is cancelled else give me company for shopping and then we will watch a movie .

NC: Ok but we will watch Parzania ( still under the influence of reason#1)

MRS RS : That movie seems to be a bore , it is an award type , let us go for Salam E Ishq .

NC: No No , we have seen Salman flexing his muscles so many times in so many movies and shows , If parzania is bad I will sponsor your dinner.

MRS RS:Hmm , Ok Let us have lunch and go for shopping

My heart stopped beating for a full five seconds after lunch. Males go and finish it with in few minutes and come back but females my god , they attack the shops with the glee of a duck that has just seen water in a pond and the excited roseating mood in which Mrs RS was in shopping didnt seem an attractive proposition to be engaged in on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Circa 199X , In Kochi , when my Amma wants to go for shopping , she calls dad. "Are you hearing , I want to go to Varkeys to buy these things from this list ?". My dad looks up from the paper , puts an expression as if he is dumb for ages and looks to me for help.I look the other way. Dad , using his daddy authority tells."Nariyal Chutney , Drive Amma to Varkeys".I put an expression as if I have been dumb ever since I was born to my mom and dad and retorts back , "I cant hear". Now dad gives me that pleading look with out showing the same to Amma and I have to accede as a good obedient son :). Dad continues reading his paper and drinking his tea relieved.

However these shopping trips where I accompany ladies pushing the Varkeys shopping cart have always been voyages of discovery{ies} and seriously I love these times because whatever my mom purchase is for my bro , father and me. I discovered that my mom picks up 100% of the items from the middle shelf put 99% of them back after asking 100% of questions about these 99% items to an exasparated salesgirl and then puts the rest 1% in her bag with out asking any question to an annoyed salesgirl . Sometimes she puts an extra .5% things out of that 99% in the Varkeys shopping bag if it is advertised for seventeen times in five of the Asianet / Surya serials that she watches everyday.I also discovered that one of my aunts took any product that was advertised by a leading star MohanLal. I have named this phenomenon as Celebrity Rubbing effect in MBA lingo (Other MBA's beware : this term has already been patented by me).

Nariyal Chutney also discovered that one of my lady cousins took only the Grandma Pickle brand because she claims the advertisements showcasing Kaviyoor Ponnamma (an old actress with a royal Grand Mom Grace in Malayalam movies) remind her of our Old and darling Grandmother.I also learnt how to strategically relocate all the little tiny tot cousins to places without toffies , chocolates and cakes in a super market by aunties and uncles to save money and nurture family peace.Hmmm.. not bad.. but it seemed a very boring proposition in a swanky North Indian Mall, especially with a bulldozer like Miss:RS (Soon to turn Mrs:RS) who crushes anything that comes in her front with the speed of her tongue and the long list of questions .

Mrs:RS however has not realised that I am under severe non compliance mood and proceeds to United Colors of Benetton showroom . Mentally I allocated 30 minutes for UCB and it is a reverse counting process.

30th Minute : Mrs RS inside the UCB Showroom , all sales guys trying to woo her with out realising the danger ahead.

25th minute : First Stroll, Deciding what to buy

20th minute : First Salesman almost faints after explaining something about a pink top to Mrs:RS for 5 minutes after running out of features to promote the pink top.

15th minute : Second Salesman jumps over the counter and the door and escapes without looking back after the question barrage from Mrs :RS for 5 minutes.

10th minute :Hurray! @ least she likes something and takes a green pullover. The shop owner who is watching the entire transaction is beaming but frowns when she puts it back.

5th minute : She asks for a suggestion about a blue tops and the reply from Nariyal Chutney makes her retort with a brief refernce to the lack of taste of guys in general with special emphasis on color blindness.

2nd minute:She comes out wearing the blue tops and Nariyal Chutney keeps studied silence because there is no point in lecturing to a lion about the need of becoming a vegetarian.She puts it back saying her mother wont like it.Nariyal Chutney thinks why she didnt think about her mother before trying it for five minutes in the dressing room.

0th minute : Nariyal Chutney looks at the watch impatiently

-5th minute: Walk out without buying anything (as expected by Nariyal Chutney ) blaming the lack of fashion sense in the guy who is the head of world wide design in United Colors of Benetton and all members of Benetton family in Italy

-10th minute: Nariyal Chutney looks at the watch and remarks that the film parzania starts at 4'O Clock and we should be in the theatre at least by 5'O Clock.

Mrs:RS gets the hint and generally makes a comment on patience of guys . Nariyal Chutney secretly wanted to make an immediate call to the guy who is going to marry Miss:RS making her Misss:RS wishing an All the best . I wanted to inform the guy about the dangers and bumps in the married life that is lying ahead for the next 40 years .Hope he is aware about the inflation and rising cost of garments in India. All the Best dude. This will help you in understanding consumer behavior.

Both of us walk into the theatre 5 minutes late and the film has already started.The manager of Amba Theatre near Delhi University still tells the story about how Miss:RS cried when she came to see the movie Vivah and how Rapid Action Force had to be deployed to save everyone else in the theatre from floods.Mrs:RS makes a comment in genreal to the audience in the extreme back row after sitting in the fourth row from front about how she is wasting a Sunday evening with a duffer like me in a theatre watching an award movie. Some 150 pairs of eyes from various corners of the dark theatre start searching for the duffer and I sat down before Mrs:RS starts making any more comments to create any more scandals.

The movie started and I was thankful that I watched the review of Rajeev Masand.I never miss any of his reviews as it has been always free entertainment in TV on Friday night. The only other person who can compete with him is Navjot Singh Sidhu when Sidhu talks some sense.

Some of the True Dialogues

"Remember to carry a handkerchief, or you'll embarrass yourself with your tears. " From Woh Lamhe

"As difficult as it is to believe, I think my hair turned a little more grey while watching Jaan-e-mann this week. I can't believe I'm searching for logic in a film like this!". From Jaan e mann

"He has the IQ of a genius, the strength of a bull and the speed of a cheetah. He leaps across rivers, climbs mountains effortlessly and zips around faster than a speeding jet. He also falls hook, line and sinker for Priyanka Chopra, who's on an adventure holiday in his part of the world, and before long he follows her all the way to Singapore to ask her hand in marriage.My biggest complaint against Krrish is directed towards its screenplay: It stinks." From Krrish

"Have you ever slammed your head against a wall repeatedly for three hours? .But if you are curious to know how that might feel, then don't miss this week's new Bollywood release, director Tanuja Chandra's Zindaggi Rocks.Even the most senseless films usually have at least something that's worth appreciating, but with my hand on my heart I can swear there is nothing in this film that deserves any special mention and Sushmita Sen looks as out of place as a sweater on a very hot Indian Summer. On top of all this we get dialogue that is so contrived that I'm willing to offer a cash prize to the first person who can convince me that any normal human beings ever talked remotely like these characters at any time during the last hundred years."-From Zindaggi Rocks

Then Rajeev Masand has this special Yuckometer and I consider this as the most accurate measurement for any Hindi movie.If you dont know who is Rajeev Masand login to CNN IBN on Friday nights and the guy who shouts the most with red tomatoes in hand is Rajeev Masand.

Whatever , Rajeev Masand is absolutely right about Parzania and I was lucky to watch the show last Friday.

" It's not the greatest film I've seen, it's not the kind of film I could watch over and over again. And yet, it's a film I'll recommend to as many people as I can. "

It is a good film and is you get a chance to see , never miss it.

Even Mrs:RS was in a sad state of mind after seeing Parzania. She cried a lot and remarked when we were walking out "Such Kinds of things do happen in the world and in India, Is it ?" which in turn means that I dont have to treat her with a dinner but still we had dinner thinking about the movie , riots and Azhar.

Yes Maam , what a pity that this movie is a "mall audience movie" and wont be seen by masses in India or for that matter every one in this world.No wonder , Times of India and Rajeev Masand of CNN IBN agreed that a movie is good for the first time in the Indian movie review history.