Bruno -Star of the Day on the first day of DLF IPL

Top International players watching the star of the day in DLF IPL (Photo Courtsey:Reuters)

The star of the day was neither Sachin Tendulkar nor Rahul Dravid who won Man of the Match awards . But Bruno - the doggy provided the most entertaining moment of the match.

Bruno. I like it. Hope you will make more appearances.

Every Dog has a day.

Dog Post 1
Dog Post 2

Some New Year Wishes - PleassEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

It doesn't matter whether it is new year or not . You should always live your best Life - I believe in the Oprah Motto.

Wish you a very happy & prosperous new year - Live your Best Life.

Some of my new year requests.


To Tom Vadakkan - PleassEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Please don't talk in Malayalam when you appear representing Congress in Malayalam Channels .If you really want Congress to win in next election , then the only thing you need to do is keep your mouth shut.


To Mammootty - PleassEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Don't dance. Please do continue acting as we dont have any issues with aging heroes running around with teenage heroines but PLEASE DON'T DANCE. Sincere request after watching the slow aerobic exercises in Maya Bazaar!

To Usha Uthup - PleassEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Please decide on which language to speak on and then speak in that language . Either Tamil , Malayalam , Hindi , English , Bengali or Telugu . Don't say expressions like Romba Nalla Song Tha! and Romba Sweet ladki hein and all.

To Sreesanth - PleassEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Please don't take any more slaps this year. If somebody slaps you , please slap back . DON'T CRY!

To the directors of Malayalam Serial advertisements- PleassEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Please create some happy ads this year. Ads with out crying women , screaming mother in laws and relatives as enemies . Lastly ! Please do change that background music at least this year.

and lastly

To My current boss - Please bath , shave (use old spice - better for clean shave , they claim in advertisements) and come to office in 2009.

To A ( My Wife) - Please don't do all cooking experiments at once.If the experiments continue at this phase , I wont last till 2010 ;P.

Wish you a prosperous 2009 - Live your Best Life

Gulgappi Tales

Gulgappi is a close friend.I was all in awe of Gulgappis profile when I heard about him for the first time.He had topped most exams that he had written in his life and is a gold medalist from a reputed institution .As soon as Gulgappi opened his mouth all my awe evaporated into thin air due to some super secret reasons.

Gulgappi who was a simpleton changed soon and became a street smart kaneeme .Once we went to meet a North Indian Professor and as soon as Professor opened his door Gulgappi bend down and touched his feet . I don't know how Gulgappi suddenly became aware of a custom which symbolized respect for elders. Whatever! Gulgappi scored A+ in the paper of that professor and since I didn't touch the feet I could get only an A-.There are many Gulgappi tales like this in B School.

Gulgappi got placed in a prestigious Management Consulting firm and then we lost touch.One day I met Gulgappi accidentally at Hyderabad and Gulgappi invited me for his marriage .He showed me the photo of a good looking girl .Gulgappi got a very good deal for his high flying consulting job and few academic gold medals and the B School gossip was that dowry was in eight digits which was usually followed by a debate on whether dowry is an archaic custom. Most people who engage in such kind of debates like Gulgappi agree unanimously that dowry is a bad practice but forgets what they said few months before their marriage.


But Gulgappi screwed up big time.

Gulgappi was from a middle class family and like all middle class families had been taught to live with dignity amidst all financial and other constraints . His wife was from a rich and affluent family and like all affluent families searched for prestige in whatever they did . For them Gulgappi's profile , MBA degree and gold medals were more valuable than Gulgappi as a person. If you see matrimonial ads in Times of India in Delhi then Big Fat Mallu wedding is nothing .


Gulgappi is from a North Indian town and had not seen his mother questioning his father in his life .Gulgappi's s wife was of a totally different mould and offered her suggestions to Gulgappi and had her own opinions.She is also from a top institution and wanted to pursue her own career .Quite Understandable , she would have struggled equally hard like Gulgappi to get good qualifications. There was no problem for Gulgappi before marriage and he wanted his wife to be exactly like that - independent , modern etc. But now he thinks this is affecting his family life as differences are surfacing.To make it short their wavelengths as well as frequencies did not match.


Gulgappi and his wife were hi-flying consultants and usually traveled abroad as a part of their work. Gulgappi works in Singapore and his wife works in Dubai. Both of them fly to India in weekends that too when they were not busy with work and met for some time. From outside everything looked fine but the friend circle was abuzz with lot of gossips including some very inquisitive queries on when they had " seks " ?.

Poor Gulgu! Last time I met him he was really depressed . He didn't know where he went wrong . He had struggled hard all his life , went to top institutions , has a beautiful wife , has loads of money. All are the social parameters of successful life. Gulgappi wants his wife to quit job or get a transfer to Singapore . His wife does not want it as this project will give a huge boost to her career and the project will go on for at least two years. Gulgu doesn't want to shift either because he is doing so well in Singapore. Gulgu is actually a nice chap and not a proper kaneeme his wife also seems to be a nice gal with common sense.


There are some MBA Case studies where everything seems Ok with an organization but you can see some odd symptoms of failure here and there . These symptoms slowly grows to big problems and finally things go haywire.

Can someone help Gulgu?

Bye Bye Odyssey years

Memories get added and hope gets renewed every new year.

As long as we have memories ,
yesterday remains

As long as we have hope,
tomorrow awaits.

2007 has been good year .

Career , Gym, Stocks and New Friendships . How soon the life changes ?

This is going to be my last odyssey year and the decade of wandering around , experimenting with careers and falling in crushes and trying hand in everything that I could get my hands on is getting over with 2007.

Actually nothing much has changed from my Last New Year Post. But Still....I cant write a post like that now. NC has turned serious and heartless.



Wish You a Happy & Prosperous New Year!

What to do with Telecallers ? - Sell Cows and Join the bank

Life is inundated with telecallers . Telecallers from airtel , hutch , BPL and banks have encroached into my life . On an average I get four calls every day . Each call causes a time wastage of three minutes . 1 minute to take the phone from my mobile wallet, 1 minute to realise that it is a telecaller and 1 minute to keep the phone back in the mobile wallet . 12 precious minutes in a day wasted on something that is futile. This means that I do waste 70+ hours in a year on attending telecalls I don't want to take. This figure is without taking into amount the time wasted on deleting SMSes send my mah mobile service provider , airtel.

There are some strategies on dealing with these calls . Join their organisation or sell them cows .

Strategy 1


Caller 1: Sir , Am I speaking to Mr:NC?

NC: Yes

Caller 1: Sir , this is on behalf of Citibank

NC : OK

Caller 1:We are having a good offer for you after analysing your credit history ?(What a plain lie ? . Why don't you tell me that it is to meet the sales targets of somebody?)

NC: Hmm , Actually I am not....

Caller 1: (without allowing to complete). It is a nice offer sir . this is a lifelong free card. Where are you working?

NC : I am the Senior Vice President of Citibank Credit Card Division in India.

Caller 1: WHAT???

NC: I look after the Credit Card Sales in India . How are you doing?

Caller 1 : THUD ! It was the sound of telephone getting back to receiver.

Strategy 2


Caller 2 : Sir , I am from this *********bank*********** .(Bank can be anywhere in the name).

NC : OK

Caller 2 : Our Credit Card is Blaaaaaah Blaaaaah... (in an infinite for loop)

NC: I have a cow to sell.

Caller 2 : Sir , Cow??

NC: Yes a Black jersey one ,You buy my cow , I will take your credit card.

I could hear a faint laugh and the usual THUD!


It seems that telecallers have understood my strategies and now the number of calls per day have increased to 12 . I think now I should start singing non stop Himesh Reshamiyya Songs to them.

God Save Them!

S Sreesanth - Indian "Wild" 'Child'(?)

"Indian wild child Shanthakumaran Sreesanth's running feud with Andrew Symonds looks set to escalate after it was revealed the paceman got in the allrounder's face in an off the field incident during Monday's one day international."

Clapping on Symonds face. Wow !!! Us mein hein Baath!!!! Now Sreesanth may or may not act in a tooth paste ad.

That is really something . For instance how can psycho Sreesanth reach till his long hair . It would have been better to give an imposition to Symonds to write Shanthakumaran Sreesanth australian score in matches times. The mystery of tongue twisting Mallu and other South Indian names , the only thing left unconquered by Australians.



The half human half animal Andrew Symonds has a feud with Psycho 'child' Sreesanth wrote someone here .

A furious Ricky Ponting has labelled fresh charges against Sreesanth claiming that he sledged batsmen from the boundary line during the fourth ODI at Chandigarh , wrote someone here.

We saw Sreesanth glaring on our TV Screens and all of us know that if Symonds Pooh Poohs , Sreesanth may fly away but the camera focuses only on Sreesanth's face. Actually if you know what happens in the cricket field. Look below!

Do you see what I see? . The great "Mallu" courage .

Banatwallahs , Screwwallahs and some more

Yaaaaaaawn!


I realised the guy was a reporter and he is wasting moi precious time which could have been spend either by chatting with friends or forwarding FYI - For Your Information- emails to my boss . FYI seems like a simple three letter word but my boss knows it in turn means that

Darling . Please take a note of the vital information(?) in this mail . If somebody in this deal screws up now it is on your head , don't sack me.

My Boss has his own ways of taking revenge and he is making me attend so many presentations these days . But if he is cool then I am super cool and within two minutes my supercooled mind in the AC cooled conference room take a decision on the presenter and the presentation that is thrust upon me.



For instance I am busy typing this blog now and is looking at the other side of the table.There were three guys and one girl who were intently staring at the presentation. The guys had long hair and the gal (Good Looking Hein :P but lacks dress sense :(`) had bobbed hair. Wondering how barbers are surviving these days , I tried in vain to listen to the presentation once again and tried to fit the guy to my typical presentation postmortem.

My parents would not have encountered any PPTs like me in their 30+ year long professional lives . Life from what they describe seemed so peaceful those days without mobiles , laptops , PDAs and !@#!@#!#. These days I have my tryst with presentations everyday given by clients, colleagues ,trainers , CXO's and cricket commentators and I have devised a way by which we can avoid wasting time in the torture of presentations known as boresentations.



Nariyal Chutney proudly presents ! Nariyal Chutney's guide to The Presenters and the boresenters.


Reporters


Reporters report . The length of the presentation will be directly proportional to the boredom a reporter produces.They have PPT's but they just read or report . They dont have the style and flair of a Barkha Dutt or a noise as loud as Sagarika Ghose .Reporter presentations are "canned" and boring as the speaker read directly from the slides and it doesn't serve any purpose as I can read through the slides faster than a reporter speaks.

Dedication : To the guy who is looking at me when I am typing this and is thinking that I am absorbing all the nonsense that he is delivering by reading his PPT.


Entertainment Quotient : Plain Plain Boring ! Yaaaaaaaawn .

Murphysons


Murphysons live by the evergreen laws of Murphy -Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. When murphysons start with their presentations , the projectors wont work , the slides will crash , the correct PowerPoint version wont be loaded in the computer as a result of which half of the slides will be sans graphics. They epitomise the Murphy law - If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. The beauty of a murphyson is that it happens in all the presentations that they give.

Dedication : To my B school classmate who come prepared with 12 floppies of the same presentation for her first presentation in front of a bunch of MCP's but since the floppy drive was not working all her presentations screwed up. I am dedicating it to her because I came with only one back up.

Entertainment Quotient : Entertaining in the first half and periodically in between when Murphy strikes!.

Packagers
Packagers package their presentations with all sorts of graphs , diagrams and expressions and colors . The colors can range from the color of pants worn by Govinda in David Dhawan films to the blazing colors which were propagated by Mamootty in the film Hitler. It is entertaining to watch their slides but the packaging generally will have little substance . A good presentation will have content - the information that people would like to gain after the presentation . But once packagers start their presentation it is like the movie Jhoom Barabar Jhoom . Lot of hype , but little substance and information.

Dedicated : To some of my MBA peers whom I met frequently in various B School Competitions

Entertainment Quotient : High Rating for packaging and the variety of diagrams but zero for the entire presentation.

Banatwallahs

Banatwallahs banata hein. They dont have any relationship with G M Banatwalla , the political leader.These people make plain , simple complex theories and quote facts from thin air . Everything else is normal about them , the only problem being those instant examples that they quote from somewhere but nowhere . They are so confident of the figures and facts that they quote that all pressure is upon us to believe them.


Dedicated : To a professor in IIM Lucknow . I dont know his name but I havent seen a better banatwallah in my 26 year old life.

Entertainment Quotient : Entertainment is through those caledospic figures and astounding astronomical figures that banatwallahs deliver . You have to be a seasoned attendee of their banatwallah style types to decipher this entertainment.


Screwwallahs

Screwwallah thinks that the audience is their to screw him/her. A cat when pushed to the corner of a room purrs ,whirrs and become aggressive. Similarly if you ask screwwallahs any questions they screw up in answers because they always think that we are trying to screw them . The decibel levels of SCwallahs rise , the room sometimes thunders due to the digial durround sound effect of screwwallahs when you ask them any questions but invariably they screw up innocently.


Dedicated: To Shoaib Malik for his world famous comment in Pakistan "First of all, I want to thank all the supporters in Pakistan and all the Muslims in this World” after T 20 World cup finals.Even Psycho Sreesanth (Courtsey Great Bong) would not have realised that he was apologising to all those supporters in Yemen and Egypt and not in India.



Entertainment Quotient : High , if you watch the aftereffects of screwdups made by screwwallahs .

Pointers


There are points and there are power points . These guys know what they speak and what they present and follow the 10/20/30 Rule. Their presentations have fewer slides and take less time but it is a treat to watch their presentations and imbibe the information . There is a take away from pointers after each presentation and there is something to learn as well. These presentations have content , stuructre and a human element as well by the pointer.


Dedicated : To all pointers because they value their time & our time.


Entertainment Quotient : Not an Issue.



If you have come across anymore categories , Please update :).

The IAS story of the Iyer Swami from Changanacherry

This is the The IAS story of the Iyer Swami from Changanacherry. Life....Live ...


The script almost looks like a masala Malayalam movie from Shaji Kailas. For a change in this script , the hero is not an IPS officer but a honest IAS officer with high calibre , qualifications and integrity.

First Rank in State in Secondary School Examination , Kerala State
First Rank in Plus Two , Mahatma Gandhi University
Tenth Rank in IIT JEE
First Rank in IIT Computer Science , B :tech

He gets a scholarship from the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Technology, USA . Instead of going there he writes the Indian Civil Service Examination and two more things in his profile.

First Rank in IAS Entrance Examination
First Rank in IAS Training Institute.

Some of you may remember the story in the front pages of Malayalam Newspapers way back in 1989 when a small frail guy from Kerala topped civil services. There was a complete supplement in Manorama on a Sunday tracing the academic journey of the iyer swami from Changanacherry who wanted to give back to the nation.Moi remember that even now because I felt it strange to read that somebody had topped all exams that he wrote in his life.

It is interesting to check the career of Iyer Swami after this. Just take a wild guess on what would have happened ?

13 positions in 15 years from Kasargod to Thiruvananthapuram.

Once in a while a controversy appears in Malayalam newspapers which involve Iyer Swami but it has been proved beyond doubt that he is a man of high integrity and honesty.

One of those brilliant minds which would have been used in Silicon Valley being wasted in Kerala Civil Services.

Here is an excerpt from the Indian Express report

This middle class Iyer from Changanassery, known for taking on political and other heavies like few IAS officers would dare, has remained a pariah for most parties in Kerala’s two political halves. The brushes soon came to a point where he took on his father-in-law, a big-time contractor, who wanted to block off a public road to a poor neighbourhood of Scheduled Castes to wall up land for himself.

“I requested my father-in-law not to misuse my position as the local Sub-Collector, but he wouldn’t listen. I invoked the Criminal Procedure Code and served orders on him, called in the police and carried out the demolition,” recounts the man who once led a raid on the home of one of Kerala’s politically influential liquor barons who wouldn’t pay up the Rs 11 crore that he owed the government in taxes, and seized his belongings. A minister rang up, asking him to lay off and return the seized stuff, Narayanaswamy refused and was on the political hitlist yet again.

Controversies, and trouble, have always been with Narayanaswamy, the topper of the 1991 IAS batch — he topped the SSC exams as well — and a topper at IIT Chennai’s computer science department who turned down an MIT scholarship to enter the Civil Service. Nine years ago, he bulldozed the sides of an important Thrissur road to widen it, hitting businesses with clout who pulled strings to perpetually harass him. Five years ago, he had a run-in with a prominent north Kerala minister in Kasargod. Narayanaswamy refused to recommend sanction as the local District Collector, to turn a hospital that the minister owned into a private medical college, without prescribed infrastructure.

Now , all his controversies are not like this . After reading this and another controversy about his car when he was the Thrissur Collector, I always wondered what he was doing. May be the articles would have been framed by someone to tarnish his image . It seems highly unlikely that Iyer Swami would have been a culprit in all these cases.

May be Iyer Swami is over qualified and a person of his caliber should not have witten the civil services exam. Civil Services need only tail wagging "YES" men who has rubber spines who will bend according to the wills of corrupt political bosses.


There is a huge hue and cry when people from elite institutes leave this country in search of better pastures . Iyer Swami is a living example of a brilliant mind with honesty and integrity that is being wasted in a system which has so much bureaucratic hurdles , nepotism and corruption. Everyone cries about the corruption in the country and people laments that this country will go to dogs . When someone takes the responsibility he finds himself sans of any support to him/her from the political bosses or common man who anyway doesn't have a voice in the decision making of this country.



May be the careers of many civil service officers like Iyer Swami , T N Seshan , Alphonse Kannanthanam , G R Khairnar etcc shows that IAS officers cant take free decisions above the illiterate and selfish politicians / political parties in India and you can't blame the young generation for leaving this country for better pastures.


But I hope a million officers like Iyer Swami will stay back and clean up the system and make it transparent for common man.

My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive 'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

Good Luck , Dude :)

Doordarshan Nostalgia

People ask me why I’m no longer interested in Orkut since that’s the cool, hot thing the current zing thing. That’s precisely why I am not. Coolness or hotness is not a benchmark and you don't have to say something is cool because everyone says it is cool. I am interested in friends, true friends who call me once in a while and whom I miss when I don’t see them for a long time. I’m not interested in virtual friends with exception of some people whom I came across through this blog. The energy and time spent in chasing coolness from one stuff to another is sheer wastage and is so boring and artificial by default, not any sort of value addition.


Doordarshan is no longer considered cool and I used to wonder whether anyone watches the government channel anymore . In these days of 24/7 news cycles when Rajdeep Sardesai jumps with excitement on everything from Mumbai bomb blasts to Opinion of Rakhi Sawant on Pratibha Di being the Indian President it is hard to believe that those good old Doordarshan days existed. The days of Junglebook , Mile Sur Mera Tumhara , Mahabharat , Ramayana and Surabhi.

Jungle book had that old music sung by a child when Maugli was being introduced in the title song :). Jungle Jungle ... Arree Chaddi Pehen Ke.. :P


There was this song Mile Sur Mera Tumahra sung by leading actors from all over India in different Indian Languages and also featuring people like Balamuralikrishna . It felt so cool and genuine in those days when they ended it with a grand finale and these days even the patriotic appeals for "Vote for Taj" and the media circus on 'Aha-Miha-Mikaya' processions to garner votes for Taj evokes sympathy at the pseudo-nationalistic pride in the appeals.


There was the smartness of Renuka Shehane and presence of Siddharth Kak in Surabhi , may be the first Indian Programme that started the concept of contests and postal department had to start competition post cards .Cant still believe emails which inundate my life every minute did not exist and many people on those days would not have even heard about the computer. How did people survive with out Google and emails? .Renuka had that 10000 watts smile and the middle class attitude and my mother used to consider her as a daughter who was never born and I used to think of her as a neighbourhood Didi :P.

Then there was Ramayana and Mahabharata , the mythical wars look so artificial these days on seeing them on TV , but those days it was supposed to be cool and you were an outclass in the class on Monday if you had missed Ramayana or Mahabharata on Sunday.Not to mention the daily serials like Malgudi Days and programmes like Chitrageetham and Chitramala which was eagerly awaited by everyone.

Then there was news which came with some typical Doordarshan Music and the elliptical Doordarshan logo.The doordarshan ticker before the news was the default time standard all across India and the news anchors were household names. Still so many of them read news in Doordarshan , I presume.

Then came 1991 . Manmohan Singh presented a budget and cable channels came to India and everybody forgot Doordarshan conveniently and the grand old patriarch is fighting hard to survive.It no longer interferes with my life anymore other than some occassional report which says about the criket telecasting rights fight between DD and a private broadcaster?


These days there are lot of options to watch on anything and everything and Doordarshan has fallen behind because it has followed the same standard of programmes throughout. I am confused what to watch and not to mention all those screenagers who are growing up with their eyes on Screens of TV , PC , ATM , Mobile and what not . But wonder whether they will be having something like Good old Doordarshan days since no body watches doordarshan as it is no longer considered to be cool.




Inspired by all Doordarshan Songs from Rediff Ishare




Doordarshan may not be cool anymore but the old nostalgic memories that each of these songs evoke are still cool .

Weekend with Sivaji

Few interesting things happened this weekend
---------------------------

• Discovered that my belt needs more holes soon , signs of a bulky me becoming slimmy me. Hail Non stop work and occassional visits to gym to see that all equipments still work and dumbbells weigh the same when I had teh last visit.



• One of my house mates who was there with us for the last one month on vacation resigned his job in London and decided to stay with us in Mumbai. He seems to be inspired from that Hero Honda Ad about one guy rejecting an offer abroad.

• My mother called me up and after wishing me lamented about the work she is doing alone at home and how certian people make good matches for cancerians . I think there is something fishy happening out there in Kerala other than the demolitions and strikes on Self Financing Colleges.



• I cooked chicken with a friend to celebrate the occasion and was pleasently surprised to see the chicken that came out at the end was tasty , edible chicken which I finished eating too soon to my liking .



• I went with the same friend to see Sivaji because I seem to be the only loser in the world who has not seen that movie. It is everywhere . - On TV , On Papers and even on internet and one of my old friends send me the pic below .

In case you dont know Malayalam this basiclaly translates into (World Wide Release tomorrow with Super Star and Super Director. Please call 094461 10540 if you are planning to shave your head and want to pour flowers when Rajni Annan appears on the screen) . Please call that number if you have an STD connection if you are outside Kerala.

• Discovered that Rajnikant has acquired a new skill on rotating coins in the air in semi circles between his hands.The coins finally ended in his pocketjust like that odd cigaratee which ended in his mouth. Think these are the signs of audience getting matured because everyone is the theatre was shooting and howling when the coin was being rotated.It was an interesting experience to sleep in the middle of all those howlers and shouters.

• Discovered that Mumbai sucks big time during rains.

+++++++++++++++++++

In between all these last weekend I turned older by one more year according to my parents and few other people very close to me even though moi think I turned younger by one more year. The actual birthday is so different from official birthday.

Fired

I was almost fired today morning , exactly at 11:15 AM.

It all started with a bang . I was pestering my boss about doing some work that he was supposed to do some one week back and the HR lady walks in. She looks at me and at my boss and then asks me gravely .

"Can I talk to him for two minutes?"

Oh Yes , I walked out . Wondering what is so serious . I always loved secrets as long as it did not belong to me and belonged to others and secrets became even more interesting when others didn't want you to know about it because it evokes the detective or paparazzi in you . Usually I make sure that no stone is unturned in knowing the secret of others. Secretly I wanted to install a bug when any secret conversation is going on so that I will hear their talk in my mobile and unknown people will think that I am a guy who is listening attentively to his girl friend.


However this seemed different and after two minutes both of them stared at me and my boss looked at me gravely . My boss has a surprised and shocked expression on his face and HR lady didn't smile back when I smiled at her.

After some time the HR lady came to my cabin with a grim face.

NC , There is a small issue . CEO wants to speak to you. Can you please come with me?

Now , I am wondering what exactly is the problem she is referring to because I am in the middle of so many professional and personal problems.

We went the room of our CEO . My Boss was there with him .

I just looked around and there was lot of tension in the air . I could see a battle lying ahead from the body language of the people in the room.My Boss , looked at me gravely and the big man had as always a no nonsense expression.

I stared back at them innocently giving them one of my sweetest innocent faces.

He looked at me and said . " One of the female employees have complained against you"

What ?

Yes , One of our female employees complained against you and the compliant is serious this time . We were getting quite a lot of complaint against you.

I started thinking . I was always a decent guy who never engaged in any faltu - besharam activities but I have made sure that I was extra decent after I joined this company . I ha vent even taken any gal out on a date for the last three months after I changed my flirting policy . What is happening to this world ? How will poor guys like me survive ? Bachelors God , Are you seeing this!

Can it be X ? No way , She never knew that I had a crush on her . Can it be Y ? Nopez , I have always ignored her signals and smiles . Now It can be Z? Yes she was always snooping around whenever I was doing something in my system. It can be that external PR gal also who was nice to flirt with . But what about , that sales gal who was extra sweet to me last week and asked what will I be doing in the weekend.She could have complained because I evaded her question asking her about the sales targets. Hmm , but it can be Z also who invited me to her lunch group. It can even be the HR lady. I called her @$@##$ sometime when she didn't give me a certificate for a loan , may be she would have overheard it and is taking her revenge. It can be even Sudha , who can complain now that intentionally I called her as Soda.

I tried being very cheerful and even flashed one of my special faces at our HR lady who was standing near me . This smile has been a sure shot assured-smile-in-return-guarantee-trademarked until now from any girl born in this world . But nope! She still had that stone face that was there when she talked to my boss initially. Either she is someway related to Amrish Puri who never smiled in any of his movies or she is the Indian grand daughter of Sylvester Stallone who always had the same expression irrespective of all his roles whether he was Rocky or Rambo.

Oh yeah, Whatever . When is the next flight to Kerala ? I am going to start something on my own and is not going to recruit any females.

No way , they are slowly watching my expression and I am not giving away and there is something fishy out here . Suddenly the faces changed . My boss started grinning , the HR lady started laughing and CEO smiled.

NC , We are giving you ESOPS. You are a part of the employee stock option Plan from today . Please sign on this and give back to me

.

I looked back at them with the same look that Amrish Puri had in Chachi 420 when he realised Chachi was a man not a woman.

Hmmm, pretty nice way to say that you are a .00001% owner of a company.

Oopz! Now this is a nice feeling .

+++++++++++++

Some Highly Intellectual Thoughts about Marriage

What is the most exciting thought in a bachelor's life?

Marriage.


What is the most frightening thought in a bachelor's life?

Answer of the first question.

Jo wrote in one of his posts . How True ?


Marriage seems to be the most important decision in life taken with the least amount of information and I have always fancied my chances of eloping with a girl after loving her for sometime if I don't get bored. But one of my second cousins who is a state award winning actress from Kerala eloped even before I could execute my plan and after seeing the plight her parents went through I have put the idea of eloping in cold freezer permanently.

Marriage to me always looked like this wonderful union which ushers in a beautiful life of companionship , sharing sorrows and celebrating life with somebody from opposite sex(Please note this) on one side while washing clothes , cleaning diapers , buying vegetables and endlessly boring shopping trips on other side . Now if I look at the friends and all the couples I know in this world (which comes to a sizable number) most of them seems to be leading a boring / interesting life oscillating between these two ends . There are boring experiences like this and things to look forward to like this.

Now if you tried to diagrammatically represent marriage in MBA style on how to select a partner it comes to something like this .

Copyrighted to : The Person who created this diagramme


When we work on cases in our bschools, there are multitudes of efficient diagrammes like these that we include in all our solutions. I have got lot of experience in the friend circle , Zone of Pain and awkardness . Traditional Marriages are like a straight line which starts with the Zone of Pain and jumps straight into marriage zone . Love Marriages progress vertically reaches the friend zone , then crosses into the dating zone and may end up in marriage potential . Whatever this diagramme does not guarantee on what will happen in Null Set which is essentially the married life.Most of the people who can identify where they are currently and where they want to go waste less time in any relationship.

This is a nice diagrammatic solution to depict all the problems faced at this stage of life and when you are in any relationship . Apparently the problem with this representation is that it does not offer any solution to the external parameters like the trouble due to snooping relatives who want to get you married at any cost. My peaceful voyage as a chronic bachelor who is writing this blog called nariyalchutney occasionally goes through all the commotions and storms when I encounter some relatives who start putting so much pressure on me to get married and these days it is becoming less because they have either started thinking that I am a gay(Please read what you noted earlier) or has already married some unknown girl secretly.


There is this aunt from Kattapana who came with this proposal and my mother described to me as if I am the biggest loser in the whole world If I don't accede to their request of seeing this girl who is a doctor from St:John's Medical College in Bangalore.My valid , non biased , intelligent argument that I wont be able to offer stability to the career of a doctor due to my highly mobile , highly pan Indian nature was firmly put into the trash can in the kitchen of our house in Kochi and I think my parents were testing waters. Now , they showed me a photo of the gal who almost looked like a criss cross between Sameera Reddy and Ayesha Takia. I have learnt from my previous experiences that looks , money , status and all other common parameters are only incidental and what matters is the wavelength of the two people involved in the relationship to ensure peace and white doves all around and ensure that you are not in the null set above teh marriage potential in the diagramme above.

For Eg: In marriage , the primary criteria is the father in law. In Short as I told my mother after repeated calls by her and wastage of a lot of STD money .

Who cares about the girl anyway? . I was more interested in speaking to prospective father in law.

Whatever I had a chance to speak to one of my prospective future fathers in law sometime back and I can't wait to tell my mom that the father in law is rejected because he asked me " Do you Drink?" . What an indecent , biased question to ask a prospective future son in law . Obviously everyone knows that after the marriage any decent father in law is supposed to sponsor the drinks and share a small with son in law . When I am looking forward for a company for a small or large how can the guy ask me "Do you Drink?" . That is implicitly understood.

I am still confused on whether he was tryng to match our favorite brands. Whatever , I like Smirnoff Vodka , dear prospective father in law in case you read this blog.

Happy Days , Sad Days

I think I would have been in III standard and around 10 years old and my brother would have been around 6 years in KG .I'd kneel before the picture of Christ before each exam and pray to god to process the application for letting me pass the exam and my brother would join me in exerting more pressure on the application . Moi always had an unknown fear about exams even though I never missed an A grade through out in school.Now college and post graduation is a different matter all together as you all who went to college will know.Simply , no one go there to study . You had laready done that is school, why waste time ?

We'd pray, sing a song in our sweet little voices and the benevolent Christ looked down at us amusingly from up there. Obviously I liked to imagine he was benevolent because he was supposed to give me more marks in the exam. My parents had such a hearty laugh when they came back from shopping , though I wonder whether they remember it now and I can't even think of both of us singing for anything together these days . My God! What a spectacle it is going to be :P , so much of noise pollution :).

:) Happy days, those were...

Inspired by : aRrAcK

These days things that I do include negotiating with people who speak in a language like this

李彦宏当选商业周刊2006年“最佳商业领袖”
百度中国搜索引擎入选中国十大创新软件产品
百度签约信产部CSIP 跨入开源软件商业应用
百度征文第三季开锣 联想、IPod 大奖装备“搜索超人”
跻身“十年新锐” ，百度影响力迅速蹿升
百度携手微笑图书室，为甘肃藏区贫困小学捐献图书

and planning to ask Himesh Reshamiyya what is under his cap when I am meeting him on a TV show.

:( Sad days, these are..

Missing those happy days and those little stupidities :P

I am getting old....

Life is long. Hopefully...

Sometimes minutes feel like months and months feel like minutes...

When you feel minutes are like months then you are living your life.....

When you feel months are like minutes then you are living some life.....

It is time to accept I am getting old.

Officially I turn 26 today . Now birthday is a nice time to give all the offers . Along with all the official wishes and umpteen wishes from the 500+ friends in Orkut , I got an offer from my share broker and umpteen other sites .If you want to test , search in Orkut and have a Dekho.

Shhh... Iam a Cancerian and turn 26 only in June sometime , you are not supposed to share the secret with anyone.Since I was a pest who made a lot of noise and threw tantrums in chilhood , both my parents didnt want to leave me alone at home when they went to work in their file filled Kerala Govt. offices. I was enrolled early in KG so that I will write crap like this as soon as possible . I was among the youngest in my school, college and B school.Looking back on the day of the official birthday ....

These will be the typical musings that I mused about on all birthdays and since this is the day in which I am technically completing quarter century along with all you miserable and nice people in this world, think I need to make the musings special.

1. I need to intensify my efforts in growing a moustache. Tired fo people calling me "Mone.."(Child) in Kerala.It is time to convince them that I have completed quarter century in this big bad world.
   
2. I need to intensify my efforts in growing a moustache.Tired of all those people who are giving me that look like "Yeh Bacha Yahan Kya Kar Raha Hein" in official meetings.It is time to convince them that in our field bright ideas come from young minds.
3. I need to intensify my efforts in planning my finances. Money suddenly doesn't seem to be as important a motivating force as I thought in childhood. There are so many other things is life that matter more than money which make minutes feel like months.But others do not seem to understand and ask me why my bank balance is always zero.
   
4. I was not a kiddish kid and got bored of lego blocks , snake and ladder and bicycle very easily.I was not a typical teenager and didn't care much about what other teenagers cared. The trait of getting bored soon is following me throughout my life.
5. As a part of becoming really serious about life ,I have started becoming more serious and is analysing the marketing of Malayala Manorama instead of writing about intersting things like this that would have been more popular among non serious people like me who read this blog which has a name Nariyal Chutney of all the names in the world.
   
6. Last time I was in Kerala my uncle who was educated in Bangalore asked me to take less beer and he didnt believe that I am a Vodka fan. Signs of a prosperity too early in life :(.
   
7. At this stage of bachelor life and the moment in which I am completing quarter century, I think it is difficult to settle down with a single girl . Very Bad that my parents do not seem to understand and I have to fake the feeling of being the stupidest guy in earth to my prospective fathers-in-law !
8. As a special offer to all the girls on my birthday I decided that I will be neutral towards the first good looking girl who is hot and smiles at me. The first girl who smiled at me got back a neutral look and I got back a look like "what an ass?"!!
9. not worth mentioning in a public blog....
10. Everything else is censored.

Every birthday is a mute witness that testifies with time that somebody is getting old but ....

My bones are getting old by one more year and distance to death has reduced by one more year .

But Stilll....I dont want to get oldddddddd.....

Perfect Strangers

Blogs symbolise a network of perfect strangers very well connected in the virtual world but disconnected in the real world .It is amazing when strangers become friends through blogs, but it is sad when friends become strangers through blogs.Both have happened to me since I started blogging way back in 2003.Was surprised when people who mailed me that blogging is all about honesty and openness became elusive and closed and people who were closed and elusive in real life threw their life wide open in their blogs.Got an interesting comment for one of my eariler posts and I met someone this weekend in Mumbai.

We went for the movie Perfect Strangers ( The movie was about people who meet over the internet but is plain trash other than Halle Berry) and spend one evening talking about Life , Families , Kerala , Relationships , Marriage, Work and what your blog tells about you.Thought it was going to be pretty boring like this but turned out to be more interesting .

Blogging started more as an emotional catharisis and an escape from all those nicetites in professional life which was plain boring. Just realised this weekend that when strangers become friends through blogs and talk as if they know you for ages it is simply worth blogging.

I miss....

"Sir , We need an address proof to open the account . Do you have a passport?"

She called me sir and then gave me a nice cute smile at the end of the question .I wanted to flirt with her but decided not to because I recently changed my flirting policy after a lecture from my mother ..but temptations... you know...Christ. Save me.

"Yes I have . here is it "- She browses through the last page.

"Sir , this wont do .The address is of Delhi. Do you have a driving license?"

"Yes I have that too. here is it "- She looks at it and frowns.

"Sir , this wont do the address is of Chennai. Do you have a voters ID card?"

"Yupz "- She looks at what is written suspiciously.

"Sir , Is this Malayalam?. The address is of Ernakulam."

I stare at her sheepishly and nods my head.

"Sir , you have anything else ? Ration Card , Electricity Bill,Telephone Bill ..". She again gave me a nice smile.

"Nothing , Recently I moved to Mumbai " I didnt reciprocate the smile. All these smiles in fact implies that I am a potential client that will help her to achieve her sales targets.{I am glad that I never had those things since I would have lost some time with her and some cute smiles}

"Sir , In that case you will be having a rental agreement?"

"No , I have attached myself with my friends. My name is not in the agreement"

Oze(Freerider ) , I was too lazy to explore for new apartments in Mumbai and attached to one of my friends.

"Sir , In that case come with the bank statement of your salary account after one month. I will take special care about opening an account for you in this branch and here is my number in case you need any help."She sounded too aplogetic.

"Ok Thanks but I don't need the number , I will come after one month." (There was too much tempation to take the number but blame it on the new flirting policy)

Again one more cute smile . I decided that I should mark visiting the bank ( meeting with her) in my PDA . Some policies remain only policies, especially a flirting policy I have conceptualised and created!

It has been a wild , exciting , noisy , confused and tumultuous pan Indian journey for me and my bike for the last five years . A journey that started from lush green paddy fields in the outskirts of Kochi taking both of us through Chennai , Kozhikode and Delhi and me through Pune , Ahmedabad , Calcutta , Indore , Bangalore and now Mumbai.

I miss Kochi

The traffic blocks in the north and south overbridges , the international stadium where I used to go for walks , the ships and breezy rides through marine drive , the long queaues infront of St:Antony's church in Kochi making me wonder what makes people pray so much and what were they praying for.I miss the cool ,fresh , youthful and warm atmosphere in the queen of Arabian Sea.

I miss Chennai

I miss the bike rides over Gemini flyover , the crowds in Chennai Central and Tidel Park . Adayar , IIT and the gajendra Corner. I miss the tasty shakes and ice creams in Shakes & Creams , the special masaladosas in Saravanabhavan , the visits to Spencer Plaza and Isphanani center and the choir in the St:Teresa of Avila church on each Sunday.

I miss Kozhikode

The Mithaitheruvu (Road of Sweets) , the beach,the Biriyani in Bombay hotel , the food in the famous Sagar hotel, the most decent and helpful autowallahs in India , those mosques , churches and girls who covered their faces with purdah.

I miss Calcutta

The tram , the yellow taxis , the metro , the horse carriages , the British buildings , the communist inscriptions which made me feel at home evoking memories about Kerala and I miss the debates with bong Intelleigensia on why communism did not spread in India.

I miss Bangalore

The exasperating traffick blocks near that 'always being constructed' flyover , people who were extremely proud about being stuck in traffick block and who debated with me on whether it is a sign on India's progress or booming middle class in the 'IT' city , the mallu restaurants in Madiwala and IIM Bangalore campus.

I miss Delhi

William Darlymple wrote in The White Moghuls "In modern Delhi an increasingly wealthy Punjabi middle class now live in an inspirational bubble of rising shopping malls, espresso bars and multiplexes. On every side, rings of new suburbs springing up, full of call centres, software companies and fancy apartment blocks, all rapidly rising on land that only years ago was billowing winter wheat. These new neighbourhoods, most of them still half built and ringed with scaffolding, are invariably given unrealistically enticing names- Beverly Hills, Windsor Court, West End Heights- an indication, perhaps of where their owners would prefer to be, and where, in time, they may eventually migrate."

The Funjabi (Food+Punjabi) Culture , CP , Delhi Metro , Karol Bagh , ISBT , Kamla Nagar , DU North Campus , the malls and the girls .

I just started to enjoy Mumbai

Hustle and bustle of the most energetic city in India , always abuzz with activity.Misty Musty Premier Padmini taxis which give a feeling that it may fall aparat anytime during the ride.Cafe Mondegar and leopold Cafe in Colaba , the street merchants in footpaths , the crowded streets , the choice in dining options , the theatres and plays . But I have the unusual luxury of 15 minute distance between the home and office in my bike and is not using the famous local trains .

There were few things that were true in all these cities .

I could find Mallus , Chinese food & cockroaches in each city

There was a hospital , bar and a church close to my place.Every Weekend I drank at bar and went to church on Sunday and sometimes got treated by Mallu nurses in the hospital.

There was at least an Andhra Mess / Ududpi Restaurant or Mallu food joint close to my place.

I used a KL registration vehicle in all the cities where I stayed more than one month and my motorcycle holds the credit for being the first Mallu motorcycle to roam India . It has been to three metros in India along with me.

I had my own chances to go to US and Gulf but was never motivated to go outside India may be I never viewed it as a parameter of success . I want to and may eventually go back to Kochi but I think I will explore India till then.

Inspired from this post

The Namesake scores over Shakira

After witnessing India's depressing but {almost} expected defeat in the hands of Sri Lanka and burning few posters of Sachin Tendulkar , 2 posters of Dhoni and no poster of Kumble (It was done in TV by some body else in various parts of India)there was a serious choice to make between watching Shakiras belly dancing or Mira Nair's Namesake to rewind and come out of depression.Shakira came with a costly tag of minimum Rs.2000 ticket attached to it and according to one of my wise friends who has been cheated {he claims by two gals } who was along with me while making the choice between Shakira and Namesake spending money on Shakira or any women is like drawing lines in water .The only other thing that can be compared to this is a bet on Indian Cricket team before world cup 2007. Lot of hype and no tangible results. I don't exactly agree with him but I do agree with him about the futility of wasting time{not only money} on Shakira and some other women in the world . After hearing about lot of break ups {which comes attached with tears and heart breaks of friends} which in turn means long phone bills of consolation for me, I have concluded like this blog that affection may matter more than the object of affection, and experiencing the feeling of loss is important, and not the loss itself, so that you wont make mistake a second time.So all guys and gals don't worry if you lose her and him. It happens you know.


The loss I mentioned is not the loss of identity that you face when you become an ABCD {American Born Confused Desi} and the loss of an ABCD is the essence of story in "The Namesake" . Once again Rediff.com and Rajeev Masand of CNN IBN agree on this movie.I have always admired the movies of Mira Nair . Be it Salaam Bombay! (1988) , Mississippi Masala (1991) , Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love (1996) or Monsoon Wedding (2001) the characters , the sets, the costumes and the script boast of palpable Indian authenticity which fits into various parts of the story completing the jigsaw puzzle giving us a film worth watching. These days I can't think about an authentic Mira nair film with out her authentic Indian touch . In the same way I can't think about a Karan Johar flick with out his authentic wedding group dance .

It is always interesting to compare when any book is made into a movie with respect to the characters, story line, plots and sub-plots to check the effectiveness on celluloid as they do in my imagination as a reader. The first movie that I saw which was made from a book was Mathilukal .The story follows a writer (Basheer) himself who lands up in jail and meets a woman on the other side of the wall separating their jails (men and women). Neither has seen each other, nor do they know much about the other, but they end up gaining a connection although separated by the wall.I started thinking about the woman after I finished the story but I started thinking about the wall after I saw the movie.In the movie the wall symbolizes both unity and separation. It is only through the wall that two people met. yet, it is that same wall that kept them apart when the writer is released on the day in which the lady was supposed to give her reaction.The memories of something is being thrown repeatedly in the air at the end of a movie is still vivid and still I remember it because i started comparing it with the story as soon as the movie ended.

It is a totally different experience when you see life being induced into the characters on screen who are familiar to you through the pages of the book.The adaptation of the same story when it is loosely adapted can be starkly different as in that was seen in Kaliyattam and Omkara on how Shakespeare's Othello was adapted.The challenge for any director is in maintaining the consistency of the story as has been imagined by all the readers who would have read the book. Mira Nair never disappointed me in any of her films and The Namesake exceeded all the expectations.It is a must see if you like seeing good , serious Indian English films.

No wonder I could connect to it so easily as I could see the the many of my U S residing family members in so many characters . There is this feeling of 'being lost' that you experience and see in people when the cultures collide and if you know anyone like that this movie is a must see.It is not worth seeing if you are someone who like an SRK flick or a Mohanlal masala.

Cricket Complaints 2007 world cup

As an Indian I do have my share of complaints when any cricket tournament is going on in any part of the world.I had been Suppressing it for so long fearing the severe backlashes that I may have to face if I opened my cricket pandora's box. Enough! I got a forward in the morning and seems I am not the only person who is having cricket complaints about worldcup 2007. Mukul Kesavan says that " The subcontinental cricket fan is a lazy, pampered know-nothing who thinks he owns the cricket teams that he supports. "

#1 . I hate noodle strapped Mandira Bedi speaking so much female non sense beside an eternally confused Charu Sharma in Set Max.(Female non sense implies adoring the shirt worn by Dean Jones , the hair style of Mr:Memon and exhibiting the sarees in strange colors making a digg at Charu Sharma making him even more confused)

#3 I hate when players get out cheaply and the advertisement that is aired when the new batsman comes in shows the same player who got out hitting all the balls in advertisement for a six.( Rahul "All Out" Dravid did it twice for Samsung and AllOut )

#3 I wonder about the effort behind analysis like this that comes in once in a while during these days. (How come people have so much time and passion to write so much crap and ending it with a Vande Matharam)

Here is analysis regarding chances to win the World Cup 2007 for India :

Reason1:

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
5. 2 years later India won the world Cup!!!

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
5. 2 years later India will win the world Cup

Reason2:

1982 Football World Cup won by Italy
1983 Cricket World Cup won by India

2006 Football World Cup won by Italy
2007 Cricket World Cup: INDIA

Reason 3:

1983: India has lost the only first match in 1983 world cup

2007: India has lost the only first match in 2007 and will not again

Still doubtful??? Watch out on Final Day

Knock out Punch:

1983 ? India stopped WI from winning World Cup for 3 rd consecutive time
and since then WI has been in doldrums!
2007 ? India stops Australia from a 3 rd time WC ? and then ???

lets hope for the best

? only subjected to its win against srilanka tomorrow.

Vandhe Matram ( come on India!!!)

#4 . I miss Harsha Bhogle's characteristic style and the only place where I saw him in anything related to world cup was in an Usha Uthup Song dancing along with Gautam Bhimani. His dancing skills are not as good as his TV charisma by the way.

#5 . I detest the types , kinds and the variety of analysis offered by all TV Channels . Wish they had the same passion about analysing the Nandigram killings so that culprits could be brought to light. (Some channels even offer live astrology predictions on what is going to happen next)

#6 . I hate when everyone from my boss to the taxiwallah who drives me around in Mumbai gives a suggestion about whom to include in the Indian cricket team and select their own team with their own set of reasons. ( Obviously people like Dravid and Chappel who should hear these suggestions are far away in West Indies.)

#7 . But Still , I love people and scenes like this when a 270 pounds of quivering man meat flung itself through the space-time continuum, defying Newton’s assertion that gravitational force is proportional to mass, in the process giving us glimpses into the crazy world of sub-atomic particles plucking a catch out of thin air. ( Quote Courtsey : Greatbong )




and forwards like this .




Whatever , Please come back soon , dont waste too much time hugging and huddling around West Indies like this .

Comrade Achu - CIA Journalists & Chikungunya outbreak

Comrade Achu has added one more quote to his golden quote collection by discovering the CIA links of Kerala journalists.

Last golden quote was on how the out break of chikungunya . Chief Minister V.S. Achuthanandan has blamed the previous Congress-led United Democratic Front(UDF) government for the outbreak of chikungunya and dengue and other dangerous diseases in the State's health scenario. The conclusion that we can derive for the chikungunya quote was that the virus was dormant in the UDF regime and became active in the LDF regime.

Unfortunately there seems to be a problem in concluding what comrade intended on the CIA quote unlike the chikungunya quote.

Classical Marxism postulates that when an idea ( Karl Marx calls it thesis) clashes with an opposing ideal ( the anti-thesis) , what emerges is not the victory of one over the other , but a synthesis which combines the best of the both world views.This synthesis is the result of class struggles ; but over time , this becomes a new thesis , clashes again with the anti thesis to form new synthesis.This process carries itself till a perfect society , the so called Marxist - Utopia (What George Orwell called it in the book 1984 ) , emerges .


Left - Wing Scholars from the two monolithic red parties in India in cluding C M Achutanandan say that , India is far far away from this (supposedly) ideal state of existence and as a result the class struggle against the bourgeoisie have to carry on.

In this context CIA is an imperialistic agent which is opposing the class struggle ( since it is against American imperialism)when communists like Achutanandan are trying to achieve the blissful state of Utopia in Kerala .



Unfortunately there seems to be a difference in the way in which Classical Marxism postulated about the clash of ideas and the resultant synthesis and the way in which it is being done in Kerala by Comrade Achu and gang. I am not saying that CPM should preach and practice classical marxism but they should least be doing is stopping gimmicks and hullabaloo over chikungunya agents and CIA journalists in Kerala. This is a party that has always opposed change irrespective of the chnage being constructive or destructive.They have not only opposed computerisation in 1980's but also have opposed the tractorisation of farms in 1970's and even asked Microsoft to log out of Kerala recently.The quintessence of communist ideology is embracing change for the creation of Utopia while in Kerala it is more about opposing any change (without considering the whether it will be progressive or destructive) by being the first party to call for a bandh or hartal whenever a change occurs.The primary parameter for any decision for CPI(M)(or for that matter any other party) is the effect on vote bank and voters and I find the diatribe of Comrade Achu about CIA journalists in Kerala ridiculous and silly.

Not only that , CPI(M) is one of the biggest capitalists in Kerala if you consider the assets . It has an amusement park , a television channel and several other assets spread over the prime locations in the state.Obviously the reason that you can state is that Without capitalism, you cannot bring about socialism in a feudal society and for that party itself turned into the biggest capitalist in the state.

Human nature is essentially selfish and "profit" appeals to be the instinct that drives any transaction and for people like comrade Achu and parties like CPI(M) more value creation come through attracting more people to their archaic ideologies . It does not matter how communism is followed in the state , what matters is periodically reminding the people that they are communists by blaming journalists as CIA agents and asking Microsoft to log out of Kerala.

Shakeela and Literacy ; From Garam Garam Rotis to Vadapav along with Sambarvada

It is almost TATA time to Delhi and I no longer will be hard pushed explaining Madras isn't a state covering entire South India and Kojjikode(Not Calicut) where the REC and IIM exist is in India and yes actually a state called Kerala{m}( no not Karel) {y}exists to all the people who ask me where do I belong to after hearing my cute-y Hindi?.

Hindi was always a language of such complexity back in Kerala and Tamilnadu that many could not master it even after seven years of learning in School and College. The state of Hindi has been like the form of Virendar Shewag that got effaced just before the world cup . With all due respect to the national language many South Indians can't even count in Hindi after twenty five and many of them could be seen negotiating hardly with autowallahs in Delhi for a higher amount than what autowallah had asked for , to roam in Dilli Galis .Author has a special affinity to Hindi because this seems to be the only language in the world where a certain "S**le" word can be used in an affectionate and hostile manner .

The first dose of Hindi was in Doordarshan days through the sentence"Rukhavat ke Liye Khed hein"(Loosely translated after some time in the same screen in English as Sorry for the interruption along with color bars) which was the most common Hindi sentence when only one channel existed in India. Can you belive that the entire India ate , drank and slept Doordarshan when Kris Srikanth had hair and proper eyesight like this when he won the worldcup?.

P S: Any idea who is the guy behind Srikanth , doesnt he look like Ravi Shastri's young son?

These days so many channels exist and the so much {exclusive}news is created that the old half an hour slot in Doordarshan has been replaced by 24 hour news channles and even Kris Srikanth has less hair and needs lenses to open for India in middle age , but the state of Hindi is still maintaining a status quo like the standard of programmes in Doordarshan. Simply ,the standard has the same quality.

Hindi was such a nice language way back in school ,simply because no body listened to what was being taught as there was no compulsory public exam in Hindi in Class X CBSE as there was a choice between mother tongue and Hindi.Eventhough learning Hindi seemed managable those days , speaking and understanding was as hard as learning calculus in Class IX. Author was almost expelled from school when a commotion broke out in the School assembly when he was the School captain and North Indian Students and South Indian students reacted differenly to a command given in the school assembly.The reason for the near explusion apparently was that few North Indian students who could understand Hindi were found facing the south Indian students when the command to turn to a specific side was given.

What a service would have been delivered to the state of Indian national language if all those Mallus had come to North India instead of going to Gulf or America? . To realize the holes and bigger pot holes like roads in Bangalore of Hamari Rashtrabhasha in south Indian states , somebody have to stay in North India .

Now I am talking about some of southies who were among the best of brains in India studying at a Top B School in India , who could formulate strategies in seconds to rescue India Inc.(few of them in fact worked on TATA Corus deal), asks all those wise and intelligent English questions regularly in NDTV/CNN- IBN shows on any matter pertaining to India , politics , business or sports when questions have some south Indian accent and are in English.

Mallus still can sustain but Tams are in a totally hopeless situation (This part is sponsered by the the dravidian parties and anti-Hindi Struggle )

In the first month a Tamilian Classmate who had lot of work experience haggling with those burly annas who ride Chennai autos with a Rajnikant poster on one side went to buy something in the local market .The shopkeeper quoted a price which he could not understand...but he wanted that thing at Rs 40/- so he kept on saying Bhaaya sahi Price karo...not understanding what price he was quoting...:-)) . Poor shopkeeper who obviously was relieved to get a first consumer for some south indian lungis which had been waiting in shop ad infinitum, packed the stuff ,and my classmate kept on repeating sahi price karo and handled him indian currency worth forty bucks who was handled back five rupees promptly. That was a hard way to learn that Painthies means thirty five.However he has learnt lot of "shood" Hindi in the last two years and hopefully will impart the newly acquired knowledge to other pals from the state improving the status and state of Hindi as a whole in Tamil Nadu.

The same guy also has the credit of inventing the first nationally integrated Tamil Hindi swearword in our B School history"oth** @$#%% **le" . One day author and our plump Tam hero went to a fruit shop and was wondering which fruit to Purchase since both of us didnt even go near any fruitshops in Tamilnadu and Kerala.As you know necessity is the mother of invention and eating only parathas (Not Malabari Parottas) and rotis required extreme measures .We zeroed down on one fruit that looked like Guvava.Since the shopkeeper knew only Hindi we asked a well dressed gentleman who was standing near us "What is this?" . He looked at us twisted his nose and moustache like Kris Srikanth and replied "Don't you know. This is a FRUIT" in queens Oxford English. The author doesnt want to disclose the stars in "oth** @$#%% **le" since it can't be explained in public.


Well,sometimes people also forget that they may be conversing in different languages . In an evening class suddenly the light went out and Mallus being all that much inquisitive , my mallu friend asked "What is the problem? Kya Hua?" . The sardarji sitting next to him answered Patti. Mallu friend again asked "What did you say?" . Innocent Sardarji replied " Patti" . Hot news was that sardarji's nose got a treatment similar to the treatment given to a cricket ball by Dhoni's bat and he sweared not to speak to any mallu in Punjabi till the end of his life. Patti not only means dog in Malayalam but also some sort of electrical fitting inside the tubelight in some Punjabi dialect.Innocent Surd in fact replied that there was a problem with "Patti" inside the tube since he did not know the english for the electrical fitting . It was also equivalently hard in convincing the fellow Mallu that patti was said in Punjabi and not in Malayalam. Nehru and his " Unity in Diversity" concept would have been proud of the diversity that exists within the unity of this country.

Even cousins of Hindi language like Urdu cause enough trouble for South Indians in North India who prefer eating rotis with Sambar. A mallu who didnt know what is "Shabnam" almost saved the republic day parade on January 26,2004. Republic days are generally foggy days in national capital and the car of our hero collided with a Mahindra Scorpio that was being driven by another guy.The villian in Scorpio remarked to our hero that "Sab , Shabnam ke vache se huan". Our hero who thought that Shabnam(Relating it to Shabhana Azmi) was a beautiful girl looked in the front seat and the back seat but could not find any girl or beauty. Our Mallu hero argued with the scorpio villain for half an hour but everything was blamed on Shabnam .What an argument it was , you can very well imagine between a mallu who know sporadic Hindi and the guy who knew Urdu.Since our moustached hero could not make out what is Shabnam he cursed the villain and left the place obviously cross at missing the republic day parade that he had seen only through doordarshan every year.Apparently later investiagtions among Northie friends revealed that Shabnam is the Urdu/Persian word for fog and the Malayali hero immediately took the entire credit for avoiding a terrorist attack in the republic parade which in turn meant that the police and army who were guarding the parade ground could have done better if they had arrested the guys who knew the meaning of Shabnam in Urdu instead of guarding Delhi.

Mallus making gaffe with Hindi/Urdu is a known fact but it is equivalently entertaining to hear the {mis}conceptions about Mallu land from this part of the country.Author can swear on the no of hairs in the head of Indian defence minister A K Antony and the number of sun glasses owned by K Karunanidhi that the three common symbols of Malluland in north India are High Literacy , Film Actress Shakeela and Complex Strange Names. Mallus being literate are considered to be highly intelligent people who can think {ir}rationally on all relevent matters under this universe.Even Manirathnam thinks so. No wonder Shahrukh Khan seems to be from an intelligent mallu family in Dil Se and the collector who harasses Abhishek Bachan in Guru speaks Malayalam to a confused Abhishek on the screen . Author is sure that Abhishek would have had much lesser confusion on his face while proposing to Aishwarya Rai once he went through that experience with the Malayali collector in Guru.


National Literacy Mission defines literacy as acquiring skills of reading , writing and arithmetic and ability to apply them to one's day-to-day life. It means :self reliance in the 3Rs , becoming aware of the causes of deprivation and moving towards amelioration of their condition by participating in the process of development , acquring skills to improve their economic status and general well being , imbibing values of national integration , conserving of environment , womens equality and observance of small family norms.It is hard to convince North Indians that Mallus put a full stop before arithmetic in this definition , rubbed everything off and called the then Prime Minister V P Singh to Kozhikode (or Kojjikode in North Indian Lingo) in 1989 before anybody realised that Mallus have changed the definition and proclaimed themselves as 100% literate before any new literate person in Mallu land could forget counting till ten. Latest news is that Mizoram and Nagaland has found out how Mallus did it and they are also trying to do the same inspired by Mallu Chief Secretaries.


Shakeela(Not Mammootty and Mohnalal) became the symbol of Malluland through the persisitent efforts of Mallu Channels with and without strong political {under}connections. Mallus like me always had a huge respect for the Bong intelligensia . In my opinion Bengalis and Malayalis should in fact fight for Communism , Intellectual Cinema , Fish curry , Football , Bandhs , Gheraos , Strikes and how to propogate groups within State Congress Units . It was quite surprising that one day when one of the B School Classmates from St:xavier's College Kolkata shouted Shakeela loudly in the class and everyone in the sex with X and Y Chromosome turned their heads to see what was the matter . It underlined the severe suspicion of the author that Mallu Channels can tap potential of all India television market through Shakeela brand if they remove the guys with tenuous , thin and shady moustaches from pairing opposite to Shakeela in the Mallu films. The Consumer {mis}perception about tenuous , thin and shady moustaches was revealed in a marketing survey for the Marketing Research Project in the same class. Apparently once on a trip to Jharkhand to attend a marriage author could see Shakeela's huge Hindi thighs in a max shady Hindi film poster.

The Puzzle of strange mallu names has a cult status in North Indian Community and who ever solves it may get a grand prize from Central government according to the reliable sources in PMO and UN. (Click on the link dear reader, I put the trouble of putting it up) North Indian classmates and recruiters can't understand how Mallus can form names by replacing one letter in a name so easily like -

Bijo~Cijo~Dijo~Eijo~Fijo~Gijo~Hijo~Ijo~Jijo~Lijo~Majo~Nijo~Pijo~Rijo~Sijo~Tijo~Vijo~

or for that matter some complex names like

Outhakkutty~ Avarachan~ Pathrose~Ouseph~Thomachan~ or to that matter how they add a '-an' in the end

Narayanan ~Gopalakrishnan~Balakrishnan~Ramakrishnan~Chenthamarakshan~Muthupalaniappan , Sendhamizhkodhai Vanchinathan and so on or to that matter how they add family names like

Menachery ~ Cherpunkery ~ Puthanangady ~ Permunanchery ~ Pattaparambil ~ Puthenparambil ~ Mangalassery ~Kanjamala ~Elattuvalappil ~ Meleveettil


to the already confusing and tongue twisting names . The last two family names became quite famous after E Sreedharan became the chairman of Delhi Metro (DMRC) and M Damodaran became the shief of SEBI. It seems that central government is reconsidering the postings of all mallus in similar posts due to the tongue twisting compaints by employees in DMRC and SEBI.

Author suspects that Mallu names are too tongue twisting to the comfort of many North Indian friends and this was proved during the Pre Placement Interview when the recruiter in a reputed company asked his own help in calling out the name of one girl which was a '*jo' name and was pronounced as "*zo" after the author intervened from the side of guys much to his embarassment and amusement/entertainment of his classmates.However two years with author have improved the condition of some North Indians at least making sure that Thodupuzha , Alappuzha and Vazahappazham has regained the same status in Non-Mallu land as in Mallu land. Based on his experiences author would also like to advice that if any Mallu and his father has two strange Mallu names the space( ) should also be told while reciting the spelling since North Indian friends may faint deciphering two strange Mallu names which any way wont be prnonounced correctly.


It has always been a mystery way back in Kerala how those thin girls who doesn't seem to eat anything could dance so fast in Hindi films in snowy places wearing as little clothes as possible when foreigners stared at them like aliens . It has still remained an unanswered question because author is still trying to find the answer to the question when the same was tossed to one of the North Indian friends how those black moustache guys in South Indian films are so plump that they can't even lift their legs when they are hitting the villians or to that matter how Rajnikant can kill two people with one bullet in some Tamil films or can deliver those flying kicks on twenty goondas at one stretch , a feat unmatched even in {B}Hollywood .Some questions like this and why K Karunakaran is jumping between UDF and LDF or how comrade V S Achu became the third best chief minister in India or who is the asli father of Saif Ali Khan's character in Ekalavya better remain unanswered.


Mallus , Chinese food and cockroaches could be found anywhere in earth and general truths like Cockroaches float in water and Chinese food digests one hour after eating , Mallus always form a cartel wherever they go.The legend is that when Niel Armstrong landed in moon , he saw the Communist flag on the top of a Mallu Teashop . The original reason of the stay for two hours in Moon was not un-availability of oxygen , but the impending strike and a call for bandh by Mallu workers union in the tea shop making sure that Niel Armstrong wont get tea next morning in moon. This strike is in fact a trait of the fact that Mallus and Communists are afraid of foreigners and don't like the foreign invasion and this is precisely one of the reasons due to which Communist Party indundated with Mallus is not giving enough fresh air to Manmohan Singh in matters relating from FDI in retail to capital account convertibility.

Mallus have a cartel even in Delhi markets and all canteens and tea stalls are being run by Mallus who won't speak to other Mallus in Malayalam. Kerala the land created through axe is a place of curious juxtapositions - Highest Literacy and highest unemployment , Lowest Infant Mortality Rate and Highest Suicide rate and Keralites outside Kerala exhibit a curious juxtaposition , they know Malaylalam very well but does not speak it.

One day author used a special tactic( It was not a strategy , because then I was not an MBA) to the canteen guy in INA Market who was not ready to speak in Malayalam.

Canteenwallah: Woh! Kidhar Hein ?(About authors friend who made the order, ate mutton cutlete and escaped without payment)
Author: Ariyathilla (Means Don't Know in Malayalam)
Canteenwallah: Mene Poocha , Woh! Kidhar Hein
Author: Mene Kahan! Woh! Ivide Nahin hein

After which canteen guy became a friend and has been giving free sambar vadas to the author. Hence forth author also became a part of the Mallu Canteen Cartel in INA market ensuring a constant supply of free sambarvadas .

The legends which are written and stored in Papyrus Rolls in Delhi University Central library also has a story of a Mallu who studied here in St:Stephens College way back in 1960's . Even Mallus were not aware about the vast possibilities of student politics on those days which is a license in Kerala to attack anything and everything that work properly. St:Stephens College has reservation for Christians and many Mallus have been studying here since the inception of the college . One day a professor in the Class called our mallu friend 'Gaddhe Ki Aulad' in which Mallu only understood that Gaddhe which means Donkey and mallu students being all that militant and revolting and aware about student rights even then , he promptly replied . Sir , I think you are the donkey . Apparently aulad means son and the professor riposted back in such a way that Mallu caught the next train back to Kerala became a Zzimbly Mallu and joined his family newspaper there which later became one of the highest circulated newspapers in India simply by following the strategy of propogating the message how mallus are great?.He was so bad at Hindi that it is certianly a consoling fact that the paper was started in Malayalam.The paper in fact have a record of inventing a Mallu girl friend for Boris Becker .Incidentally even Becker didn't know such a girl existed . The paper thereby increased the revenue through German Tourists for Kerala Tourism when German media propagated the discovery of such a girl thereby ensuring sufficient visibility for God's own country in Germany.

It has been a hard time teaching in North India that 'Kerala is not Zimmbaly Kareal' and it is time for a change.

These days I am looking forward to learn Marathi along with Hindi in Western India .

Shifting to that city which is known for vada pav and packing people inside local trains like nuts inside a cashew nut tin .

TATA Delhi and Hello Mumbai .

Apun is looking forward to be an an Aamchi , Mumbaikar? .

Any help appreciated!!!!!!

If you reached till here you have a lot of "Sabr" , do share in comments if you have any "Unity in Diversity - Language experience" :)

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This is not a parochialist post from a frustrated South Indian in North India .All the characters in this post are real and would have appeared in an earlier post as well and since the author is making this post from Indira Gandhi International Airport and is leaving to Mumbai in next flight , hopefully he is safe.If no post appears next month , please pray to God to rest his soul in peace in the family cemetery in Kochi or some Christian cemetery in Bandra.