Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Banatwallahs , Screwwallahs and some more

Yaaaaaaawn!


I realised the guy was a reporter and he is wasting moi precious time which could have been spend either by chatting with friends or forwarding FYI - For Your Information- emails to my boss . FYI seems like a simple three letter word but my boss knows it in turn means that



Darling . Please take a note of the vital information(?) in this mail . If somebody in this deal screws up now it is on your head , don't sack me.


My Boss has his own ways of taking revenge and he is making me attend so many presentations these days . But if he is cool then I am super cool and within two minutes my supercooled mind in the AC cooled conference room take a decision on the presenter and the presentation that is thrust upon me.



For instance I am busy typing this blog now and is looking at the other side of the table.There were three guys and one girl who were intently staring at the presentation. The guys had long hair and the gal (Good Looking Hein :P but lacks dress sense :(`) had bobbed hair. Wondering how barbers are surviving these days , I tried in vain to listen to the presentation once again and tried to fit the guy to my typical presentation postmortem.

My parents would not have encountered any PPTs like me in their 30+ year long professional lives . Life from what they describe seemed so peaceful those days without mobiles , laptops , PDAs and !@#!@#!#. These days I have my tryst with presentations everyday given by clients, colleagues ,trainers , CXO's and cricket commentators and I have devised a way by which we can avoid wasting time in the torture of presentations known as boresentations.



Nariyal Chutney proudly presents ! Nariyal Chutney's guide to The Presenters and the boresenters.


Reporters


Reporters report . The length of the presentation will be directly proportional to the boredom a reporter produces.They have PPT's but they just read or report . They dont have the style and flair of a Barkha Dutt or a noise as loud as Sagarika Ghose .Reporter presentations are "canned" and boring as the speaker read directly from the slides and it doesn't serve any purpose as I can read through the slides faster than a reporter speaks.

Dedication : To the guy who is looking at me when I am typing this and is thinking that I am absorbing all the nonsense that he is delivering by reading his PPT.


Entertainment Quotient : Plain Plain Boring ! Yaaaaaaaawn .

Murphysons


Murphysons live by the evergreen laws of Murphy -Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. When murphysons start with their presentations , the projectors wont work , the slides will crash , the correct PowerPoint version wont be loaded in the computer as a result of which half of the slides will be sans graphics. They epitomise the Murphy law - If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. The beauty of a murphyson is that it happens in all the presentations that they give.

Dedication : To my B school classmate who come prepared with 12 floppies of the same presentation for her first presentation in front of a bunch of MCP's but since the floppy drive was not working all her presentations screwed up. I am dedicating it to her because I came with only one back up.

Entertainment Quotient : Entertaining in the first half and periodically in between when Murphy strikes!.

Packagers
Packagers package their presentations with all sorts of graphs , diagrams and expressions and colors . The colors can range from the color of pants worn by Govinda in David Dhawan films to the blazing colors which were propagated by Mamootty in the film Hitler. It is entertaining to watch their slides but the packaging generally will have little substance . A good presentation will have content - the information that people would like to gain after the presentation . But once packagers start their presentation it is like the movie Jhoom Barabar Jhoom . Lot of hype , but little substance and information.

Dedicated : To some of my MBA peers whom I met frequently in various B School Competitions

Entertainment Quotient : High Rating for packaging and the variety of diagrams but zero for the entire presentation.

Banatwallahs

Banatwallahs banata hein. They dont have any relationship with G M Banatwalla , the political leader.These people make plain , simple complex theories and quote facts from thin air . Everything else is normal about them , the only problem being those instant examples that they quote from somewhere but nowhere . They are so confident of the figures and facts that they quote that all pressure is upon us to believe them.


Dedicated : To a professor in IIM Lucknow . I dont know his name but I havent seen a better banatwallah in my 26 year old life.

Entertainment Quotient : Entertainment is through those caledospic figures and astounding astronomical figures that banatwallahs deliver . You have to be a seasoned attendee of their banatwallah style types to decipher this entertainment.


Screwwallahs

Screwwallah thinks that the audience is their to screw him/her. A cat when pushed to the corner of a room purrs ,whirrs and become aggressive. Similarly if you ask screwwallahs any questions they screw up in answers because they always think that we are trying to screw them . The decibel levels of SCwallahs rise , the room sometimes thunders due to the digial durround sound effect of screwwallahs when you ask them any questions but invariably they screw up innocently.


Dedicated: To Shoaib Malik for his world famous comment in Pakistan "First of all, I want to thank all the supporters in Pakistan and all the Muslims in this World” after T 20 World cup finals.Even Psycho Sreesanth (Courtsey Great Bong) would not have realised that he was apologising to all those supporters in Yemen and Egypt and not in India.



Entertainment Quotient : High , if you watch the aftereffects of screwdups made by screwwallahs .

Pointers


There are points and there are power points . These guys know what they speak and what they present and follow the 10/20/30 Rule. Their presentations have fewer slides and take less time but it is a treat to watch their presentations and imbibe the information . There is a take away from pointers after each presentation and there is something to learn as well. These presentations have content , stuructre and a human element as well by the pointer.


Dedicated : To all pointers because they value their time & our time.


Entertainment Quotient : Not an Issue.



If you have come across anymore categories , Please update :).

5 comments:

maya said...

gosh... u just pointed those fingers at all the right peoplE!!!
amazing post

Shikha said...

Loved it :). Being a person who has a weakness for ppts, I'm gonna keep watch on the reporters, murphysons and banatwallahs *chuckle*. (The murphysons are the best! The poor babe that was dedicated to - My heart goes out to her!)

I've seen one more type. Those who have a ppt in the background but keep hovering all around it that the audience have to play the peeping game, and end up with a pain in their necks!!

Nariyal Chutney said...

@ Maya : Rather the wrong people :) . The right people are never counted :)

@Shikha: I know , someone told me that you take PPTs in CDAC Bangalore :). The world is so small is it . Some times the people you mentioned makes it extra hard by making font sizes extra small :) there by giving more neck pains

Fighter Jet said...

this was one really really great post ,truly mesmerizing and so fluid.so true,so enchanting actually.

Arpz said...

The "put-you-to-sleep"ers.

The minute lights are off, the drone beings a la Vividh Bharati announcers/

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